It is late-10:44pm. I have so many thoughts jiggling around in the empty space between my ears that I need to expel it all in some sort of format, so forgive the grammatical errors and the punctuation errors as I will NOT be proofreading this free writing.
We drove to Chicago yesterday, leaving Indy at lunch time. The car ride went pretty well and we arrived with little traffic and trouble. My brother and his wife were wonderful hosts and kept our two older kids and we took the baby with. She proceeded to cry the entire trip to O'Hare instead of sleeping like we thought she would. We were able to chase the baby and meet a few other host families and then we all prayed together. The flight was a bit early and as the kids were walking towards us we couldn't find our host daughter. She had dyed her hair very dark and it made her look completely different! Also, I realized when a kiddo has been hosted before the picture they use is from the end of a hosting. Which means the kiddo looks healthier and has brighter eyes and a glow to them. I think those things were missing too which is why it took us another moment to recognize her.
I was a nervous wreck. You know that moment when you have a baby and you leave the hospital or the first time you are left alone with that infant and panic washes over you for a brief, or not so brief, moment. Well, that happens when you host. You have this child who doesn't speak your language and is now dependent on you for their well being and care and it is terrifying when the airport coordinator says, "Okay, you guys are good to go now! Have fun!" Insert look of wild eyes and slight panic. Annnndddd regroup I told myself in my head as I grabbed Josh's hand for a brief moment before lugging the fussing baby in my arms and trying to hold my cell phone and talk into it on the google translate app so I am not rude to this new person in my life. We all got to bed and while my brother and his wife again are wonderful hosts, I never sleep as well away from home.
Today was exhausting for everyone. We tried to let her sleep in because she was exhausted but also leave in a timely manner. With 6 people in a car for four hours, plus throw in potty breaks, construction, alternate routes, grumpy sleep deprived people it made for an emotional journey home. Thankfully, the skies decided to dump the liquid once we were safely back home instead of while we were driving.
We had dinner together and our host daughter did the two older girls' hair and my hair in fancy twisty french braids. We played barbies together and I showed her all the things in her room. We have had little getting to know you conversations throughout the day. As soon as I woke her up this morning she wanted to show me the few treasures she owns. She has a few pictures of her bio family and then other hosting families. She shared ages and names. We listened to music together on her MP3 player and giggled about everything and nothing. By the time I crawled into bed about 30 minutes ago it all crashed and hit me.
Obviously, I have been aware that we are hosting an ORPHAN but it really sunk in thoroughly tonight. I was hit by a tidal wave of grief for this beautiful girl. She is nothing but sweet. She loves on the girls and is helpful. She has NO ONE. Why God, why? I keep crying out in my head. How can the world we live in exist where these sweet children have NO ONE!?!? She literally has NO ONE!!!! I can't stop yelling this to myself inside my head. No one to tuck her in at night (yes I am aware that most teens don't need tucking in but still!), no one to think about whether or not she is taking care of her teeth (I am stickler for good dental hygiene), no one to care if she eats a balanced diet, no one to hear and love the sound of her laughter, no one who randomly pulls her in for a hug just because. I could go on but I guess I get it and so do you, or at least I hope you do.
Yes, God I hear you! I am so sinfully self-centered it isn't even funny. I had no clue to what degree until about 40 minutes ago when the tidal wave hit me. I obviously have so much to learn and am opening my heart God! Change me, grow me, make me more like You! Give me strength to be SOMEONE to this girl. Let me continue to be uncomfortable and aware of how hard this is so that I don't lose sight of the path you have put before me. I will turn to you for strength and comfort. I will acknowledge your ways and trust in you. I will let go of myself in order to be used for your glory! AMEN!
Well, I am exhausted and have to go throw away the large amount of dirty tissues that I just created. I will try to be less all over the place for the next post! ; )
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