When Joy and Grief Converge

Joy- a source or cause of delight, the expression of such emotion
Grief- a cause of such suffering, an unfortunate outcome

Most people would view the two words as opposites, they don't go together.  But what happens when the two converge or overlap?  Can you experience joy amidst such deep sorrow?  I say yes, I've seen it and am experiencing it now.

I remember when I was younger we were taught about synonyms, words that have the same meaning.  In my childlike mind joy and happy were synonyms.  It wasn't until years later when I was a teenager that I learned the biblical difference between having joy and being happy.  My joy comes from the Lord.  There are times in my life when I am not happy but it doesn't mean my joy is robbed from me.

So along those thoughts, it is possible to find joy amidst situations where suffering is occurring.  I've spent the last seven days in a situation of suffering and I'm not happy.  I don't particularly care to go into great detail for several reasons but do want to share my thoughts and heart, as well as request prayer from who ever actually reads my little online journal! : )

Almost one week ago, we received a call from our adoption agency.  When I saw the number pop up I knew it wasn't going to be good because at this point our dossier was supposed to be submitted.  I stepped out of a meeting at work to take the call and discovered I was correct.  Like my high school newspaper teacher once said, "No news is good news!" It was very applicable in this situation.  We were blissfully in the waiting stage where you don't get any news because there is nothing to tell.  We had an issue with a form and the issue wasn't a small issue, it could end our adoption process.

We are heart broken.  We are trying to use godly wisdom to follow what the Lord wants us to do.  Yes, we are aware that this could be God saying no but it isn't really something we need to hear from those who love and care for us.  You wouldn't say that to someone who just lost a child.  This child is our child in our hearts from this day forth no matter what occurs after this moment in time.

I have felt like a zombie going through the last few days.  I've been on autopilot as we have evaluated our options and made some appointments.  God is bigger than all of this.  His plan is perfect.  He loves us and loves this child.  These are all truths we know.  We want to glorify God in this process and in our actions.

This week has been painful.  There have been moments of fear and doubt and questioning and even some anger.  But there have also been quiet moments of joy.   The joy of watching Adria sing at choir practice.  The joy of hearing Eliza say mama sad, I kiss mama.  The joy of being with my sisters-in-Christ and being loved by them during this hard week.  The joy of being with my church family to worship together.  The joy of another woman who has walked this difficult road of adoption sharing her story and heart and encouraging me through that.  If I choose to respond in a godly manner in a difficult situation, there is so much joy in my life.  I hope and pray that my reaction to this situation will be one of joy and shining God's light for others to witness.  Without the suffering I wouldn't have a way to show God's glory in this situation.

Pray that the appointment we have tomorrow would provide a way for this issue to be fixed.  Pray for us to have wisdom and discernment.  Pray for our daughter across an ocean.  Pray for comfort. Pray that we would be satisified and willing to peacefully experience the unknown and still choose to rely on God fully and faithfully.  Pray that no matter the outcome we would feel peace that surpasses all understanding.

Staring at a Computer Screen

It is Sunday night and I am sitting on the couch.  The dishwasher is running and baskets of freshly laundered and folded laundry is surrounding me.  I have an IEP pulled up on a different tab and I really should be working on it, but instead I have sat here staring at the computer screen deciding what I should write.  I could write about the pink tote which holds items we are collecting for gifts when we travel and items needed at the orphanage.  I could write about where we are at in the process of adopting (we are waiting for the last three documents for our dossier-USCIS approval, medical forms, and FBI clearances).  But, really, what I have felt I need to write about since Friday night is an experience that really shows how God is using adoption to grow me spiritually.

So let's rewind and get into the correct setting for this story.  We have to go back to Thursday in order to see where I went terribly wrong.  Thursday after school my coworkers came in and declared the bad news.  I was going to have to take a group of students downtown on Friday per our department chair's request for a new work experience.  I'm pretty quiet and don't often like to share my weaknesses but lean in close and I'll let you in on a MAJOR weakness of mine.  Are you close? Okay, I HATE DRIVING DOWNTOWN! The one way streets confuse me and I loathe finding parking.  I'm not really sure why it bothers me as much as it does, but my poor husband has had more than one phone call in the past ten years of marriage of me being misplaced downtown and panicked.   Being told I was going to have to drive the mini-bus downtown sent me into a tailspin.  So in hindsight this is where things really fell apart.  My flesh is fearful of driving downtown.  I gave into the flesh easily in this situation.  I also found our I had to have more blood work done in order for our doctor to finish filling out a medical form for our dossier.

I left work in a grumpy mood.  Josh was working so I was in single parent mode with getting the kids picked up, fed, and on our way to Grace Group.  I was glad we were going to Grace Group because I needed the time around other believers and the encouragement it brings.  It was a pleasant evening and my heart was open to what was being said.  We talked about how God leads and protects us as we depend on Him in prayer and how God providentially protects us according to His plan.  I made a specific comment about how peaceful the process has been with our adoption so far because I know it is in God's hands.  Even when the bumps happen there is the knowledge that God has it and everything is moving in His plan and timing.

By Friday morning the inside of my cheek wasn't happy because when I get stressed I bite the inside of my cheek (yes, I know it is a horrible habit).  I wasn't happy about driving downtown and especially in the bus.  I woke up early enough to go wait at the blood work place so I'd be first in line and could get it done before being at work.  It was a series of unfortunate events at school from the get go.  Then, the clock crept closer to the time I had to leave for this work experience trip.  Everything that could go wrong did.  Through this whole process I was angry and fearful.  I'm not proud of my reaction.  I refused to allow God to lead me. I refused to pray about it.  Like I said, I easily gave into the desires of the flesh in this situation.  During all of this I received a phone call from our hosting organization saying they needed a decision by the end of the day about hosting V over the holidays.  Everything seemed to hit me all at once with the adoption.  We are so close to sending our dossier, which marks the beginning of a lot of money being due.  Again, I was holding everything and thinking about how I was going to get all this money paid in the short amount of time it will all be due in.  My poor heart was in overdrive all day because of my choices to try to control everything.  I was only concerned about how it was MY responsibility to make all of this happen.  I wasn't letting God have an inch of any of it, it was all ME, ME, ME!

After work I was sitting with my friend in my classroom and I said, "Today sucked!".  I felt like everything with the adoption hit at once, hosting has to be decided, and then the bus/downtown mess happened! My friend looked at me and said, "I've been impressed that really up until today you haven't seemed stressed about all the adoption stuff at all; and I thought it would be a more difficult year for you because of it."  That's when it all kind of hit me! Why was that statement so true? Simple answer, up until Friday I had been praying fervently and allowing God to write this story.  It was His and I was following where He lead. And then I was like a deer in headlights on Friday and wanted to control it all. How on earth did I think I had any control in any of it? I don't and didn't.  This process has been beautiful because it has been God oriented from the get go.  It got ugly when I tried to take control. It got stressful and physically painful when I stepped in front of God and said, "I got this God, I don't need you to handle it."  While I didn't necessarily think that verbatim, my choice to allow the flesh to lead was definitely saying that.

I chewed over it some more as I packed up my stuff to head home.  What a poor testimony I had on Friday.  Saturday morning dawned and I am so thankful His mercies are new every morning.  Yes, Thursday and Friday were not my shining moments but I have a Father who loves me and forgives me when I royally screw things up.  The weight of everything was gone Saturday morning.  I was able to relax and trust in God's plan.  We decided to move forward in faith to bring V home over Christmas.  I felt such peace about our decision.  The funds that will be due in the coming weeks for our adoption no longer felt overwhelming or impossible.  And I was able to make a joke about driving downtown and even bumping into the ticket machine.

I had to run to the store for a few items and called my mom on the way home as she has been out of town and I wanted to say hello! As I pulled into the driveway I made a comment about Friday and then the whole story was unloaded and I was crying.  What an amazing God we serve.  He is so powerful that my mind can not even comprehend it.  He is so forgiving and merciful.  I get to call Him Father and I am one of His children.  God is stretching me through this process. He is refining me through the fire that is our adoption journey.  He is showing me step by step His faithfulness. He is showing my where my weaknesses are and how I need to depend on Him more and more.  I am so thankful for this path God has asked us to walk upon.  I hope and pray that the next time a situation like Friday happens I will respond the correct way and not allow the flesh to rule my life.  Thank you Jesus for loving me enough to stretch me and refine me so that I can worship and bow down to You.  I stand in awe of Your glory! Amen!

The Story of Us

There is a song by Francesca Battestelli called Write Your Story.  It has been out for awhile but it has struck a chord within me whenever I have heard it the last month or so.  The song talks about how powerful God is and that we should desire to be an open page so God can write our story and lead our lives on a path that He desires.

When I share about adopting with friends, family, and yes, strangers (so sue me, I'm a bit excited and can manage to bring adoption into any conversation), I often get many different reactions.  It can range from complete understanding to complete shock in kind of a negative way.  This past weekend I actually made a girl speechless after revealing we have three children and are adopting another who happens to be 15.  I kind of giggle on the inside when someone's eyes get a bit bigger at my revelations.  Then, there are the comments that are often made.  "What a lucky girl!" or "You are such an amazing person to do this!"  In those moments I struggle.  I actually don't really know what to say to people when they tell me those things.

Adoption is a heart breaking situation.  Adoption comes from loss and hurt.  Have you ever told someone they are lucky when they have been through a horrible situation, a painful experience, or abuse? I'm sure you are sputtering out a "Of course not!" reply right now.  If I have the chance to educate anyone on anything regarding adoption, it would be this point.  It breaks my heart that we have the option to adopt our daughter.  It does so because it means her family was torn apart for whatever reason and she has grown up without family and parents.  The fact that we are doing this doesn't mean we are good people.  She isn't lucky to have us.  And on the flip side, there are adopting parents who have experienced loss too.  They have tried to carry babies to term and not been able to, some never being able to conceive to begin with.

Despite the pain and loss, God writes our stories.  And so there is beauty that comes from the pain and loss. God doesn't make bad things or bad situations.  In the song I mentioned, part of the lyrics say "My life. I know it's never really been mine.  So do with it whatever You like.  I don't know what Your plan is. But I know it's good, yeah.".  I pray fervently that our daughter will know that her life was written by the Creator.  I have tried, as well as Josh, to keep our pages blank so God could be our author.  He wrote V onto our pages last winter when we choose her to host this past summer.  We have continued to choose to keep our pages open and blank so God can continue to fill the pages with this beautiful story.  We aren't good people, but we are blessed by God's story that He has written on our pages.  This is our story and I can't wait for God to reveal the next page of His masterpiece.

Short and Sweet

The older I get the more "terrible" things I see.  I put terrible in quotation marks because outwardly to the world those things (cancer, job loss, death, premature birth, etc.) are terrible.  I'm not down playing them at all.  But God uses those TERRIBLE situations to bring glory to His name.

In the past year the school I work at has lost four people to cancer and unexpected death.  My big sister's friend, and I'd like to think she was like another sister to me for a time period, passed away from cancer.  A friend at church, her little first grade boy was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer has stole some of our dear church family in years past too.  This week another family we know lost their unborn baby, who was a son, grandson, and nephew.  The list could go on and on.  Sometime this year we will find out the TERRIBLE things our daughter has lived through that brought her to the point of being able to be adopted.

And in the spirit of the title, I will end here, God will be used in all these situations.  Yes, all the terrible things aren't what we would choose for our friends, family, sons and daughters. But...

Psalm 8:1
"O lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens."

Psalms 3:3
"But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."

Psalm 24:10
"Who is this King of glory? The Lord of hosts, he is the King of glory! Selah"

Ephesians 1: 11-14
In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

I can't wait to see how God will be praised and adored through our adoption and all the "terrible" that may come with it.

Slowly Processing

How do I begin this post?  It has been brewing in my head for about two weeks now.  Let's rewind to the last week of August/first week of September.  School was brutal that week.  We had some issues that caused us to have to leave our classrooms for two days, so my three colleagues and I moved our 35ish students into an empty biology lab classroom for two days.  Surrounding this situation was a lot of side problems.  It was a stressful week and that is putting it in a tiny nutshell for simplicity's sake.  On top of this, we threw in a birthday celebration for Adria, my first case conference of the year with no prep time to write the IEP, a last minute field trip, staff absences, and oh, yeah, our home study appointment to turn in all our paperwork to cap off the week.  I was being attacked on every level it felt like.  That Friday we took our classes to the park for the bulk of the morning.  One teacher was out so we had a sub filling in.  This particular sub is one used to be an assistant for our department and is a really neat Christian lady.  As we were walking the trails with the kids she walked beside me and asked how my week had been. I found myself unloading the stress on her and shared some of the adoption stress I was feeling.  She had subbed last spring when we were preparing to host and we talked about our possibility of adopting then.  The sun was shining and the weather was fantastic for what seemed like the first time in a LONG time, she looked at me and said, "Katie, when people are following God's will for their life and faithfully walking that path it is inevitable that Satan will put every hurdle in your way to try to prevent it."  I readily agreed with her but it is something that has continued to swish around in my head since that day.  Since then there have been several other times when the same sentiment has been given to me in different formats and through different people.

This past weekend, I really reflected and thought about how adoption will change our family, our marriage, and each of us individually.  It was heavy on my heart and mind.  This isn't something we entered into lightly.  We spent the last year talking about it and praying about it.  I am knee deep in the emotional side of this decision.  I feel like it is a jumbly mess inside of me and I am probably butchering this post by trying to get it out, so bear with me.  I guess part of me doesn't want to type out some of these thoughts because they are serious and scary.  I also feel that people may not understand either.  Despite that, we know God is calling us to serve Him by adopting a teen.  With adopting a teen comes several risks.  We are planning on different things to take precautions against those risks but still I question is this what we should be doing.  I've had the following thoughts and questions running through my head, 'How will this affect our bio kids?' 'What if they are hurt in this process' 'Their normal, won't be most people's normal' 'What if the bad stuff DOES happen to us?' 'How will we cope if the worst case scenarios happen?' 'What if everything falls apart?' 'What if she is hurt more in this process?' And on they go.

I know part of this is sinful fear of the unknown, a lack of faith.  I also know some of these questions need to be asked and thought through with wisdom.  It is hard and unpleasant to sort through.  But then God places the smallest of moments and reassures me that what we are doing is important and good and right.  So I take those moments and know:
-my children will someday understand unconditional love like our Savior has for us
-my children despite any bumps or sink holes we encounter are His and will remain His and will continue to pray for their salvation and safety
-we were never promised an easy road in this life
-I can't control the future whether the bad stuff happens or not, it isn't mine to control nor was it ever mine to control.
-We are going to work so hard to help heal our newest child, as well as nurture and grow all four kids to the best of our human ability with the skills and knowledge God has given us.


I have learned already that our story is touching people outside of my direct circle.  Someone recently told me that you never know how God might use our family and story of adoption to influence future families in their decision to adopt.  I don't want to over share but I also want to be open and honest about all aspects of our adoption journey.  There is so much joy and excitement that comes with this process but at the same time there is a lot of heart ache and grieving and hard situations to process.  Pray for Josh and I as we continue to walk this path.  Pray for our bio girls as they come along with us on this path too.  Pray for our future daughter's salvation and healing from whatever trauma she has experienced in her life.  Pray for continued wisdom and guidance as we make choices and decisions.  Pray that we continue to slowly process all of this and respond in a godly way.

How Did I Get To This Point?

We are well into the trenches of our home study.  My dining room has turned into an office (don't judge, we have no formal office in our home and instead use the loft area as a playroom/office with the desk set up there) because I needed more space for all the papers.  I have them laid into careful piles, paper clipped together, with post-it notes adorning each pile so I know what is done, still needs to be done, or is partially done.  We moved our interview and paperwork due date appointment up by a week and half.  I feel frazzled and like my head is spinning atop my body most days.

One of our pastors is working through 1 Samuel right now and a couple weeks ago talked about God's providential hand in our lives.  I have thought a lot about how I got to this point in my life since that Sunday.  It is nice to reflect upon how God has seamlessly sewed my story together.  I think being able to have faith that God is in control of my life, if I don't stand in the way, makes the hard moments able to be endured. It doesn't make hard stuff easy, but it allows the comfort to be received amidst the very bumpy road.

There have been several times in the last two and half weeks since V left that it takes nothing more than the wind blowing to bring tears to my eyes and my heart to ache again.  The road that we are on is hard right now, but I know it could be more difficult.  Raising three young girls, each with their own unique challenges, working full time, heaping loads of paperwork onto my desk, planning and executing several fundraisers, maintaining relationships, and then being separated from a child isn't a fun thing to do! But by looking at the past and how God has always brought events in my life together for good, makes enduring each heart ache worth it.  So here is a dot-to-dot of how God's providential hand brought us to this point right now. At each point I had the free will to make choices but God ultimately laid each step in front of me to make one choice or another.  I firmly believe that most (not all because I'm a sinner) of the choices I made were following God's will for my life and I am so glad because He is giving us one more child to minister and love.

1) lack of work in Nebraska brought my parents to Indiana which lead to me being born and raised here
2) in high school I met Anna and became friends with her
3) Anna's dad was a pastor of a local Bible believing church
4) Anna invited me to youth group after a conversation about my church's youth group and how I felt disconnected.
5) I connected with many other friends and was being fed solid truths while going there
6) After turning 18 I decided to start going to that church full time with my parent's blessing
7) My parents visited and eventually left the church I grew up in and started going to my church.
8) I spied my future husband but was too shy to ever say hello or form a friendship.
9) God placed Josh at Word of Life Bible Institute which kept us apart
10) I was given a substantial scholarship to University of Evansville which took me away from Indy
11) Josh joined a missionary traveling singing team through Word of Life and was in Canada my first year of college
12) Through going to University of Evansville, I had the opportunity to study abroad in England right when Josh was coming back home from Canada which kept us apart even longer. We both had some choices to make and growing to do.
13) While 9-12 was going on, Josh's mom and my mom became close friends.
14) I dated another guy the summer after returning from England and he broke my heart (so thankful he did).
15) Six months after the heart breaking break up, our moms hatched a plan to put us in the same house for an evening.  Our families had dinner together and we talked for the first time for more than five minutes!
16) We began dating, got engaged, and got married within 18 months of the first dinner!
18) We left the church we met at and looked for a new church bringing us to Grace Bible Church.
17) Through many other instances in our lives we both had developed a heart for foster care and adoption and after we got married decided to begin the process of foster care.
18) Surprise! We were pregnant and decided to put foster care on hold.
19) Over the next six years we had two more babies, which brought on a need for a change in housing location for school and childcare.
20) I would love to hear the details of how one family at our church was brought to Grace Bible Church since they became a part of our story of bring V to us.  But they started going to Grace Bible not too long after we started there. It was through this family that we first learned about orphan hosting.
21) Amidst moving our family of 5 to a new house the same year I started a new job I choose to click on a link about New Horizons for Children.
22) Hyacynth wrote a blog entry for New Horizons that softened my heart and Josh's nine days before the end of summer matching and lead us to choosing to host.
23) Hyacynth went to church with my brother and sister-in-law, unbeknownst to me, which lead to a time of prayer and encouragement when we were connected which helped as we began to raise $2500 in nine days!
24) We hosted L and fell in love with Ukraine and its people.  L wasn't able to be adopted so we weren't able to pursue adoption.
25) A year later through lots of prayer we knew God wanted us to adopt and He placed V into our family for the summer 2016 hosting season.

25 steps later (with lots of side veins that bled into our lives, I am sure) we were given V! Starting way back at the beginning with my dad not being able to find work in Nebraska was God's hand at work in bring V to us over 30 years later.  What a beautiful tapestry of God's handiwork.  He is so mighty and powerful!
                  "O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!" Psalm 8:9
        

                 "I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.  I will be glad and exult in you; I will sing praise  to your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2

It is good to recount all of God's wonderful deeds in our lives.  I pray someday V will be able to look at all the events of her life and praise God for each hard and easy moment that brought her to that moment in her life.  I pray too for her salvation!

Upcoming Fundraising Events:
September 9th-Origami Owl Party at 7pm
September 17th-Garage Sale
October 1st-Red Barn Harvest Market at the Westerfield Farm beginning at 9am
October TBA: Benefit Concert

Prayer Requests:
1. Home study process to continue to go smoothly
2. Fundraising events
3. V-school will start soon for her and she will be heading back to the boarding school/orphanage
4. V's salvation
5. Strength to sustain us as we juggle everything going on

"Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside"

I love music.  While I love current music, I am also a sucker for the old stuff.  There is nothing better than turning the car stereo up really loud when I am by myself and jamming to some oldies.  I also adore hymns.  I wish we would sometimes belt out some good ol' hymns on a Sunday morning.  They are so simple and truthful. One of my earliest memories about music, besides nursery rhymes, is attending Bible Study Fellowship as a very small child.  I don't really remember anything about it but it is engraved in my memory when I heard the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness".  It is so comforting to me.  The lyrics are simple but strong.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;

There is no shadow of turning with Thee,

Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not,

As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

Refrain:

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above;

Join with all nature in manifold witness,

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy, and love.

(Refrain)

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thine own great presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

"All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided! Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow" are perfect reminders for the season of life we are in right now.  I can very quickly become discouraged by the events of life.  Friday stunk like an explosive diaper! I hated saying good-bye to V.  I was a hot, blubbering mess.  I threw a gigantic pity party on Saturday with lots of ice cream, crying, and napping.  The ugly got real ugly on Saturday and then Sunday morning arrived and His mercies are new every morning.  I didn't want to go to church because I knew sweet, caring friends were going to talk to me and hug me and I was tired of crying.  I knew I needed the healing balm of being surrounded by God's word and having the time to focus not on my pain but His glory.  I didn't cry and I was thankful, and so were my puffy, painful eyes too! I've never felt more loved than when someone at church said, "I'm just not going to talk to you." and turned and walked away (and that is being honest, not sarcastic).  We both have tender hearts about children that are our heart children and not legal children at this moment in time.  We would have had to have been scraped up off the floor if either of us had tried to talk to each other about it! The hugs I received were comforting and instead of feeling more pain, God brought the right people with the right words in front of me.  I needed His strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.  

I miss V more than words can express.  I remember these feelings from last summer too.  I woke up several times that first night after she left and felt panicked that I didn't know where she was.  Maybe you remember the first time your newborn baby slept through the night and you awakened in a panic because you hadn't been demanded for in hours, it was kind of like that.  Thankfully, that feeling has subsided now too.  We have chatted on messenger with her, exchanging "I love yous" and lots of smiley faces.  

While departure was extremely difficult, I am trusting it wasn't good-bye but just a 'see you soon' departure.  I am trusting that God is a faithful God and has good plans for V and our family, whatever that ends up looking like.  We are moving forward in faith with adoption.  

We are hoping to complete our home study in September and get travel dates after the new year! Obviously, when you are working with two different country's governments there can be hold ups, so we are trying not to depend upon that time line.  

Funds are an obvious big hurdle to overcome too.  We are currently selling t-shirts as a fundraiser.  See the link below if you are interested in purchasing one.  We are also working with some old friends on another possible fundraiser too for the beginning of October (more details to come).  And I am planning to do another garage sale at the end of August.  God is already providing through kind and generous people and situations for us and V.  We feel so blessed.  Amidst the pain I feel of being separated from V, I have never felt more secure and held by my Savior.  Truly it is a 'peace that endureth' and God's presence cheers me and guides me.  Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me!

https://www.booster.com/dashboard/campaigns/2963719?status= 

But I Don't WANNA Do This!!!!

I'm 33 years old.

I'm not supposed to throw temper tantrums.

I really, really want to throw myself on the floor and kick my feet and bang my fists into the carpet and scream that I won't send V back on Friday.

But I'm 33 years old and the mama and an adult and so I am mentally and emotionally picking myself up off the floor but it stinks.

I couldn't decide on a title for this post.  I almost used But I Don't Wanna Be Uncomfortable.  The older I get, the more I realize how I am a big fan of being comfortable.  I love wearing pajamas because honestly who chooses uncomfortable pajamas?! Uh, no one! I love jean days at work because it is more comfortable than dress clothes.  My newest find, Lularoe leggings.  Oh my word, they are comfortable.  I hate scratchy sheets because they are uncomfortable.  I'm not a fan of extreme cold or heat, I like the weather to be just right.  Riding on planes causes back pain for me so I'm not excited to fly.  I'm socially awkward 99.9% of the time so the thought of spending an evening in a social situation is rather uncomfortable.  Also, add to the list of things that are uncomfortable for me...small talk.  I'm not good at it.  My coworker and I joke that we make the perfect social situation team because he is good at small talk and can get the conversation started but then he has no clue what to say after that and I'm the opposite so we stick together in social situations at work.  Being sick is always not comfortable.  I guess what I'm trying to describe is that I prefer my living, health, social, and all life areas to be comfortable.

Having your heart broken isn't comfortable.  Friday my heart is going to break.  Honestly, I've purposely ignored it.  I am a calendar lover and I have refused to enter departure times into the calendar.  Regardless of how uncomfortable departure is going to be, it is going to happen.

We don't purposely buy pants that are too tight, sheets that are like sandpaper, or have medical/dental procedures done for no reason.  We don't choose discomfort unless the end outcome is highly desired. We rarely know what the future holds though, thus making us creatures who desire comfort.  God knows what the end outcomes are though.  Proverbs tells us we are to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding,".    My understanding is comfort.  I seek it out regularly.  When God's plan for my life requires discomfort my initial flight or fight kicks in for a moment.  Then, I remind myself, "Katie, put your big girl panties on and trust in God's plan for you.  He never promised an easy, comfortable life!"  I have to remember what God's promises are for me.  I also have so many examples within my life and the lives of those around me of how God remains faithful and just. He keeps His promises and it strengthens my faith.

I've spoken before about hosting not being comfortable.  But the end result of allowing God's love to shine upon V and L is worth my discomfort.  So I am packing my tissues and willingly going into departure knowing how absolutely terrible it is to say good-bye to a child who you have fell head over heels in love with and want to be yours for all the days you roam the earth.  I'm willingly going to hug and love on and dote upon her in those final moments. And when the time comes to let her go through the security gates at the airport I will physically let her go.  I do not know what the future holds for our family and V.  I know God called us to minister to her for six weeks this summer and to build a relationship which we will hopefully continue after she arrives back in her home country.  I know God is a good God and a merciful God.  I know while the situation is uncomfortable, I have a God who gives comfort to the afflicted.  The joy I have experienced is worth the discomfort. And if God calls us to walk another uncomfortable road then I'm ready and willing, I will throw on my tennis shoes and run (well, let's be honest, I don't run so more like speed walk) in that race.

I don't WANT to do this but sometimes you get what you get and you don't throw a fit, so I'm picking my 33 year old self off the floor and will say good-bye for what I hope is just a little bit and not forever.

Please pray for V and the many other children who will begin their journeys back to Latvia and Ukraine on Friday.  Pray for the adults and chaperones who will be traveling with them. Pray for the host families who will be heart broken or for those feeling guilty for being relieved that departure day finally arrived.  Pray for our family as we readjust to not having number 6 with us.  Please continue to pray as we are raising funds for adoption. Pray for clarity and wisdom through each step of the adoption process.

A Full and Thankful Heart

Did you know Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays?  I'm not sure if it is because it kicks off the holiday season.  Maybe it is my fascination with history and the thought of pilgrims makes me happy.  Maybe it is a little bit of all those things, but mostly I love looking around the dinner table and seeing all my family.  I love to cook for people too and it is kind of like shoving all my love for them into each forkful! I love taking time to think about how thankful I am for all God has given me and our family.  Anyway, being thankful is important and I firmly believe it is important to recognize all we need to be thankful for and not just at Thanksgiving.

We have had an outpouring of love from our family and friends this hosting season.  We are so thankful.  So here is a list of all the things I am thankful for!

1. Salvation and love from my heavenly father
2. a friend who God used to lead us to hosting through her posts about New Horizons
3. New Horizons for Children
4. L
5. V
6. My husband who is willing to listen to all my crazy ideas and with wisdom jumps wholeheartedly into some of them!
7. My sister who has helped take care of our children through various moments during and before hosting.
8. A friend who left a bag of fruit on her front door for us to grabT
9. Three families who graciously gave us some gift cards to help buy fruit for V's unending fruit habit! hehe
10. My niece who worked to get money for V's needs.
11. My niece who also wanted to be friends with V and has quietly and patiently built that friendship with V in the last few weeks.
12. My parents who have also given of themselves in many ways to support our family before and during hosting.
13. Many different friends who have given us clothing and shoes for V.
14. So many of you who read this blog or ask us about V and our family and pray over us.
15. My co-worker dropped a bag of groceries off one afternoon out of the blue.
16. The two teachers I work closely with being understanding and supportive pre-hosting at the end of the year when I get a bit crazy around hosting sign up time!
17. V's laughter
18. My three bio girls who have rose above so many emotions they have endured because of hosting and continue to show love to V.
19. My husband loving me during my very unlovable moments.
20.  An offer to take us to the zoo from a dear church member
21. A network of other host mamas who surround me and support me during those rough patches
22. An outpouring of support, love, and excitement when we announced our decision to adopt.
23. A friend who was willing to pit stop in Indy while traveling to meet up after a particularly rough moment.

My list could probably continue up into the 40s.  Each of these are ways that God has lead our steps and shown His power and the way He weaves everything together for His glory!

A quick update on hosting: We seem to have reached an everyday pattern which is more comfortable.  Everyone seems to be adjusting to life again.  And of course after reaching that moment we are headed into another transition with the beginning the school year and me returning to work and the end of hosting fast approaching.  V continues to not talk very much.  It has been very frustrating to me at times because I want our relationship to deepen.  I am learning that words aren't always needed to build a relationship.

Another quick update on our adoption: We had our first home study meeting and will be working on gathering all the paperwork needed to turn in at the beginning of September.  We have some ideas for fundraisers and will move forward with them full steam ahead after we get past the end of hosting.  So stay tuned for ways you can help!

For those that made it to the end of my blog post once again! Virtual high five! I know I can get a little long winded! ;)

The Other Side

I'm probably going to mangle this post but I've had a lot of thoughts regarding this going through my mind.

Hosting is an amazing experience.  I won't deny that.  Outwardly, people think it is a terrific thing that host families do by offering a home to an orphan for a summer.  They see the sweet side of hosting with fun outings and getting to buy them clothes and give them "firsts" with food and experiences.  People ask if we are having a good time and if she is enjoying America, all of these are very legit questions and we are so thankful for the support we have received from our church family and friends. I can't imagine not having our support system in place. But sometimes I really want to answer, "Well, I wouldn't exactly call it all "fun"!).

I guess though there is the other side of hosting which isn't always spoken about.  There is also the side which is difficult.  While there are numerous areas that present challenges, the one I want to address is the trauma that comes with being an orphan.

Imagine growing up without a loving, stable environment. Imagine survival being the essential feeling you have about your life day in and day out.  I've never really had to worry about survival.  I knew where and when my meals would be available to me.  I knew if I messed up I would be granted forgiveness and then given guidance as to how to do something better in the future.  Orphans come from a place of trauma.  I know I have had a moment or two of slight trauma, a car accident in high school is the one that comes to mind quickly.  It was a horrible accident and it was difficult to sleep for awhile after it happened.  But I had loving parents who cared for me as I recovered physically and emotionally from the accident and the trauma was a small blip overall in my life.  Orphans never get a chance to take a break from the feelings trauma produces.

The trauma can come out in so many ways.  While here in America they have no way to voice how all the emotions of the past and present mingle together and can't process it with someone because of the language barrier.  It is a difficult thing to think about and talk about.  There are so many horrible ways people can be treated and I know the orphans who come to America have more than likely experienced some of those horrible things no one wants to think or talk about.  Six weeks in our home won't fix or heal the trauma but I pray the glimpses of how children should be cared and loved for is giving hope that healing can occur.

Hosting is going well.  Yes, we have had hiccups and growing pains.  Yes, we have had a lot of fun and giggles. Outwardly, it looks good but remember the trauma is there and real.  We didn't choose to do this for a fun summer or to be good people.  There have been many days where I have whispered to myself, "Why would you choose to do this?!?"  I'm innately selfish and hosting isn't selfish.  It is giving until you feel like you have nothing left to give and then you give just a tiny bit more.  I pray throughout my day for strength and help to love the unlovable and to give hope to the hopeless.  I pray for a giving spirit and a patient presence!

All this to say that as we begin the process to adopt a child, we will experience this in even greater amounts.  I don't feel that we are good people but we are people who are choosing to follow God and be faithful to His direction for our life.  I've included a video below about an orphan and the story of redemption and love that was interwoven into her adoption story.  My friend Jen sent it to me yesterday after I had sat down to write this blog post.  I found it amusing that the two seemed to fit together without it being done on purpose.  I will warn you it is about 30 minutes long but worth every single last minute.  I also will warn you that some of what is discussed is not suitable for little ears unless you want to do some big time explaining.  Also, have a box of tissues ready! Happy crying!

Almost One Week

We are rockin' the non-verbal communication almost one week into hosting! I feel like I have nothing profound to write about today so I am going to do a one week anniversary recap.

Pick-Up: Met and spent time with some other awesome host families in Cincinnati. It was a late night with lots of sleep in the van, except for me who was driving! 

Day 1-Wednesday: We had a very slow start to the day.  Our bio girls were very anxious to meet their new host sister and had to wait several hours while she continued to snooze the morning away.  The meeting was anti-climatic much to our girls great excitement and anticipation.  I thought perhaps she would try to use google translate after some sleep but there was just a lot of smiles and nods.  We headed to Target for some staple clothing shopping with a gift card.  After getting the basics and a few other just because items we were set.  We spent some family time together in the evening.

Day 2-Thursday: Another slow start to the day and I think it was the last of the jet lag wearing off.  We spent the morning with grocery shopping and some bonding time at home.  In the afternoon we met my sisters and their kids at the splash park in Greenwood.  We had fun and I was pulled under the big dump buckets one too many times.  It made all the kids laugh so I guess the very chilly water was worth it.  We spoiled our dinner with ice cream at Mrs. Curl's Ice Cream.  

Day 3-Friday: Josh had to return to work and I was flying solo with all four girls.  We had a few errands to run and we gave V a first time experience at the car wash.  It was so cute to watch her reaction to the experience. 

Day 4-Saturday: We experienced our first at home day.  We did laundry, played, and rested.  Eliza had went to the dr. friday evening for an ear infection and felt puny.  We managed to entertain ourselves despite the grumpy toddler.

Day 5-Sunday: I was looking forward to church but Eliza had a fever again in the night which meant not very much sleep and no church.  Sunday was probably the roughest day we have had so far.  It was raining and everyone felt a little stir crazy and I was exhausted.  The girls watched a movie during nap time and I completely fell asleep in the recliner.  When Josh got home from work I ran to the grocery store.  I needed the reprieve from grumpy toddler and clingy children.

Day 6-Monday: Happy Birthday America! That is how we tried to explain the holiday to her.  I have no clue if she has any knowledge about America so I tried to keep things basic! We had my parents and Josh's mom over for some BBQ at lunch time.  Then, Josh and Dad decided to replace a light fixture in our kitchen so we had a little bit of house work done too.  We played lots of Uno while the guys worked.  This afternoon we had a bit of quiet time.  

And that brings us up to me sitting on the couch, with girls on either side of me, writing this post. It has been more challenging for me, personally, because I am in demand for more physical contact.  Besides having a toddler who constantly wants mommy to hold her and a very affectionate 7 year old who likes lots of pressure contact, I know have a young teen who needs and wants lots of affection. By bed time I feel creepy and crawly on my skin from so much contact all day long.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade all the lovin' for anything but it is taking some adjustment since I am not an overly touchy/feely person.  One thing that is different this hosting is bed time.  She loves to have me tuck her in and help get ready for bed.  She also likes to go to bed wayyyyy earlier than our host daughter from last summer.  I am thankful for that.  Last summer we were lucky to go to bed by 11pm most nights.  God always weaves the pattern of His work perfectly.  I was gearing up for lack of sleep and instead I am getting sleep (when the toddler isn't sick) and learning to share myself more than I thought was possible.  I am thankful for the sleep so I can start the day refreshed and ready for all the hugs and snuggles I am getting! 

Prayer Requests: 

-V would feel more and more comfortable with us and open up more

-I would be at peace with the lack of verbal communication

- Adria is struggling with the changes in the family and experiencing some "growing pains" personally

-pockets of time to be made for Josh and I to connect as a couple in order to better parent both the bios and host daughter!

-time to be made for prayer and quiet time with God!!!

Physical Needs:

-a pair of gloves and a winter hat

-tennis shoes

-FRUIT! We hate to deny her food when she and most other orphans are starving for good nutrition but we also can't financially increase our grocery budget! She is definitely making up for the lack of food and lack of variety of produce.  Fruit is a special treat in Ukraine.  She is so willing to try all the food we have given her.  

And for those of you who made it to the end....a cute picture (or as cute as it can get when trying to get four children to look at the camera) of the girls!

The First 24 Hours

Okay, I apologize for last night's post! : ) I reread it today and realized it was a rambling mess and people WEAR clothes not WHERE! lol

We made it through day one.  Listed below are my top thoughts at the end of day one.

1. Last summer we hosted a veteran hostee and it made the experience very different (which isn't bad or good but just different).
2. Orphanage life and how it affects individuals breaks my heart.
3. She hasn't spoken to us yet.
4. She is soooooo sweet and lovable!
5. She is easy to shop with and loves to push the cart and look at everything!!!!
6. She is hard to shop for because she is in between sizes so we had to grab two sizes of everything to try on.
7. How can someone leave for a six week trip with nothing more than the clothes on their back?
8. It is so depressing that as I saw her eyes light up over a book bag, a set of pjs, and one shirt in particular, that I know when it goes back with her in August none of it will be hers to keep.
9. She is a love bug and spontaneously hugged Josh and I today.
10.  She played like the other girls at the park this evening, which made me happy and sad all at once.
11.  She LOVES fruit.  (If anyone wants to donate fruit, I'll take it! I see our grocery budget increasing this summer! lol)
12. She loved playing dress up and Barbies all day long!
13. I heard her first laugh when we played UNO and she gave me a draw 2 and I acted like it was an extreme tragedy!
14. She likes to smell things! She spent five minutes opening every toiletry item I bought her to smell them all. Then, when we were in Target walking past the cleaning aisle I saw her take a big sniff of all the smells and smiled.
15. Ignorance is bliss.  Last year I had no idea how hard saying good-bye in August would be.  I do this summer and in the back of my mind I am sobbing about having to send her back! Don't worry I am not focusing on it, just acknowledging it.
16. I googled pictures of different foods and used thumbs up or down to find out what to put on the meal plan this week.  She giggled through the whole process, but was really excited about spaghetti and pizza!
17. I can't wait to watch her reaction to everything we get to do with her this summer!
18. I better get some sleep!

Thank you for everyone who reads these posts and are supporting and praying for us! We appreciate it so much.  We can't wait to share V with each of you and hope you get to see a glimmer of the sweetness we have already seen in her!

And then there were 6...again

It is 12:36am on Wednesday morning.  This will be short and sweet but I like to write down my thoughts so I can sleep without them swirling in my head.

V's flight from Atlanta to Cincinnati was delayed so we had a later night than expected.  We met a few other host families within our group and they were all so great to be around.  It was like a party at the airport.  The kids all where blue t-shirts with the New Horizons name on it.  I was so happy to see the little pack of blue shirted children walking down the airport terminal! She was very quiet but lots of smiles.  She fell asleep on the way home and we quickly did the five cent tour of the important places in the house (toilet, bed, where to find mom and dad)!

I'm pooped.  She literally showed up with the clothes on her back.  It makes me sad knowing she has nothing that belongs to her in this world.  I can't wait to spend more time with her tomorrow and get to know her personality!

I have a lot more thoughts that I had started writing in my head on the drive home but it is almost 1AM and it will have to wait.

The end of the story is that we are home safe and sound and excited to spend the summer with V!

Single Digit Countdown

Have you ever been to Times Square in New York City?  If so, maybe you remember the jumbo tron screens that are constantly whirring with information and advertisements, especially the screens that are long and scroll information.  Have that picture in your mind?  Okay, that is what my brain feels like right now.

In 9 days the chaos of summer hosting will begin.  My shopping list is dwindling of items V will need.  Next week's grocery trip should wrap up the list with a few snacks and getting the puke travel bucket ready! Yes, I just said puke travel bucket.  A lot of the orphans in Ukraine rarely leave the immediate area of the orphanage and when they do leave it is typically by foot so traveling in vehicles can sometimes be a new experience and not everyone has a stomach of steel. Hence, the puke travel bucket, I always say it is better to be safe than sorry regarding puke! : )

The girls and I made her welcome poster this last week.  It is cute and looks like small children made it but it was made with love! I wish I could have gotten some freezer cooking done before hand for the extra busy days during hosting.  My head is spinning a bit at the amount of things on the calendar! We have Adria's quarterly appointment at Riley the day before arrival and then the week after arrival we have dentist appointments for Adria and Amelia.  Following that each week is full of birthdays, anniversary, dentist appointment for V, eye appointment for Adria, post-op visit for Eliza, church activities, and then one blessed week with nothing on the calendar before I go back to work. By that time hosting will be almost over and we will start preparing for departure! Between all that we are going to hug, kiss, and love V as much as we can to fill her up for her return back to Ukraine in August.

In the next 9 days I am not going to focus a whole lot (but let's be honest some focus will occur) on the state of my lack of cleanliness in the home or a mile long to-do list but instead consciously choose to focus on spending time with the girls and Josh.  I am going to fill up my heart with scripture and time in prayer.  We want to honor God in all that we do and need to prioritize time to prepare for that too.

Oh, and to top off everything we officially decided we will begin the process to adopt a child! : ) Let me know if you want to follow our adoption journey and I will add you to our group!

Busy and fun times in our household! Pray that we will keep focused on God and His word during the next seven weeks in particular as I know Satan will try to put things in our path to stumble and be a poor witness to V! Pray for V and the other children as they travel and open their hearts to families! They are such brave children to leave their country and spend six weeks with strangers in a land they aren't familiar with and can't understand/speak the language! They are warriors!

When Swimming Lessons Make You Cry

The days are quickly dwindling until arrival day is here! We are down to 18 more days!! Life has been very busy lately and it is helping to make the days go more quickly.

I have been picking up needed items here and there and bought the supplies for V's welcome poster we bring to the airport.  Each step makes the very soon arrival of V more exciting!

We have been trying to get different things out of the way prior to hosting.  Eliza had some food allergy testing done last week and then today she had a little eye procedure on a clogged tear duct.  We have been working on a fire pit relocation project in the backyard.  Adria went from snaggle tooth to gappy mouth when she lost her front tooth on the top.  Amelia and Adria started swim lessons at the beginning of this week and will have one more week.  Perry Township Learn to Swim program has been around for eons! The girls were shocked that mommy took swim lessons in the same pool they were.  This is my third summer of being at swim lessons as a mom.  It is such a normal thing.  Even this evening, when we went to our neighborhood pool another mom was there with her son and we had chatted at the pool before and she remembered us talking about the girls getting ready to start lessons.  She asked how they were going and then made the comment that it is an important life skills for anyone to know in order to be safe in the water.  Thinking about her comment brought me back to my little break down on Monday morning.

The first day of swim lessons this week, I was looking around at all the moms and dads who were bringing their kids to swim lessons.  I recognized a few people I knew from high school and swim lessons in previous summers.  As I was sweating profusely in the upper level bleachers at the Perry Meridian HS pool, I had a mini break down (thankfully I held it on the inside).  Tears filled my eyes as I looked out at the children and around me at the parents.  I guess ignorance can be bliss sometimes.  I look at situations through a different pair of glasses now that I am aware of a fraction of what an orphan's life looks like and about the statistics for these children.  This was an autopilot kind of activity for our family, signing up and taking the girls to swim lessons wasn't really something I thought about deeply but just something that needed to be done.  Those simple ways we care for our kids everyday without really thinking about it.

Last summer L enjoyed swimming but wasn't a very good swimmer.  One evening when we were swimming, she got a cramp in her leg while she was down in the deeper end and she started to panic and yelled MAMA! I had to grab her and bring her to the side of the pool.  She was scared (so was I).  She never had the opportunity for a mama and daddy to thoughtlessly sign her up for swim lessons because it was just something that is an item on a to-do list of what needed to be done for her.  How many other small things like swim lessons will L and V miss out on because they don't have a family?
I think this is one area that is hard for me to overcome and that I come back to so often.  We have so much and they have so little and miss out on so many simple things.  An acquaintance and what I would like to consider a friend through kindred hearts of loving orphans, recently brought her son home from Ukraine.  She has given updates and we have chatted online a few times and she has repeatedly said how her heart hurts for all the things she will never get to do as a mother for her son and all the milestones she has missed in his first 15 years of life.  These young children sometimes have gone so long without a parent and parenting it is hard for them to give up the independence they have built within themselves and allow a parent to do their job.

So I am trying to ready my heart and my mothering skills for a heaping six week dose of loving and parenting the heck out of V, just like I continue to try to do for L.  It is why I got teary eyed at swim lessons.  Pray for our family as we spend these last couple of weeks filling up our love tanks and carving out special time to pour into our bio kids before we are pulled in another direction.  Pray that Josh and I find time to strengthen our marriage even more as we will have a decrease in our time alone over hosting.  Pray for V that she will be open to our love and our parenting.  Pray for L as she ends her school year at the trade school.  Oh, and praise the Lord that He provided a soft and giving heart in the dentist who is once again donating her services to care for V's teeth. 18 more days!!!!

27 more days

27 more days! I kind of want to be really annoying and write it in size 500 font so you could realize how excited we are about only having 27 MORE DAYS, but I will refrain! : )

This past weekend we received the flight manifest!  I have only looked at it like 500 times! This year we will be picking up from Cincinnati's airport which is wonderful! Last year we picked up at O'Hare and had to spend the night up in Chicago.  It all worked out fine, but traveling even more after traveling for a day and half already was hard on L.  Our bio kids are not good travelers, so the short drive of 1 hour and 40 minutes was extremely happy news for all parties involved.  Plus, arrival time is earlier than last year too.  We should be back home by 11:30pm, at the latest, if flights are on time.  My sister graciously agreed to stay with our other kids so we don't have to drag them out of the house at bedtime.  There was one slight glitch that we are praying about.  The kids arrive into the US in Atlanta and then will fly to Cincinnati but the travel agency accidentally scheduled the flight from Atlanta to Cincinnati about 30 hours after arriving in Atlanta, so the next day in the evening.  Oops! They were working with the travel agency to correct the problem and we should hear something before the end of the week. That is a very long layover for children or anyone for that matter.

I cleaned V's room out this week and it is all ready for her arrival.  I have been picking up this and that for her as well.  I need to work on our welcome poster for arrival day and pick out a furry stuffed friend to give to her at the airport still.  All little things to finish up and plenty of time to do it in.  I also am waiting to hear back from the dentist office about donating services again this summer.  Once that is taken care of then we are ready for arrival!

For me personally, I would appreciate some extra prayers.  I'm still grieving over not having L back this summer.  There are times I feel so guilty that we are having another child into our home, when L needs us just as much as I know V does.  I am so full of mixed emotions.  While cleaning out L/V's room it was hard to picture someone else besides L in there but then I am so excited to prepare a physical space for V in our home too because I'm already choosing to love her!  I also feel overwhelmed at times with meeting my bio kids needs, making sure I make time for L via the internet chat and phone calls, and then imagining how I will add one more to the mix.  Really, I am just trying to process everything. In those overwhelming moments, I know who holds me and all my children, present and overseas and can rest easy in that knowledge.

I'm off to nest some more! I need a clean house and organized home to bring our girl home to!

27 more days people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Countdown to Hosting

We are almost a month away from arrival. We are fully funded through many generous and loving people in our lives.  Tickets were bought this week and hopefully by the end of the week we will have a travel itinerary sent to all the New Horizons families, which is VERY exciting!

I went shopping last week and got a few items for V for the first day or so until we are able to go shopping for more clothes.  I did find out she is a size 8/medium and size 9 shoe.  Granted those sizes were from the winter time so they may change slightly but it is a good starting point.  I think the moment I pick out some pajamas and an outfit for the first day it makes it become so real.  We will have another body in our home to love on and support and feed! Yes, I know it isn't a baby, but the arrival of any child makes me go into overboard mommy zone!

I belong to a group on Facebook of other families who have either hosted or adopted from the orphanage where V is it.  One of the mom's sent me a message that said she thought her host daughter is friends with mine and that they were in some pictures together.  Sure enough, after sending me a few photos, I was able to see V's pretty face smiling at me.  She looked like she was having such fun taking group selfies with her friends, such a typical, universal teenage girl thing to do.  It is the simple, little moments that warm my heart the most.

Last hosting season I felt more like a spectator on our Facebook groups, this hosting season I have found that I am connecting with families and other moms all over the country who have a common denominator, their love for Jesus opened the door to love a child without a family.  It is so neat to see the connection span from Idaho, Texas, South Carolina, Michigan, Tennessee, and some other states too.  It is a great support system with other people who understand the same struggles and joys of hosting!

I am excited about our next steps as a family and the support and relationships it will bring.  I will give another update again soon! For now we are waiting with great excitement!

Where we are, where we are going

Where we are...

humbly kneeling before the King of Kings who provides and shows Himself to be true and mighty again and again to a sinner who forgets it so easily.

This week has been so long! Each day has been so busy but the week has seemed to drag on forever.  I don't mean that in a complaining way but a mind boggling way.  On Tuesday, all hosting families had to have $1,650 in their accounts in order to purchase the airline tickets.  We were $700 from what we needed on Monday afternoon.  I was grumpy and doubtful.  I was in need of a faith workout.  I needed to practice trust.  When will I learn?  God provides.  It is such a simple two word sentence but I find myself doubting it and not believing it.  God provided again.  On Tuesday morning we had the amount we needed for flight purchases.

On Wednesday, Amelia graduated from preschool.  I was in the midst of changing rooms at school and wrapping up paperwork.  I left work early to go to her program at her school.  I felt sweaty and gross from moving filing cabinets and desks and boxes during my prep.  My husband was working a 16 hour day and I felt spent.  I rushed into her school and made a beeline to her classroom even though I felt one sneeze away from having an accident (teacher friends will get this as teachers are basically forced to learn to hold one's bladder for five hour increments) and walked into a hot, crowded preschool room.  I tried to relax and be in the moment.  We have been so blessed to have the same teacher for both Adria and Amelia.  At one point she spoke about teaching the kids to worship God and then she led them in singing a Chris Tomlin song called "Good, Good Father".  I've included the lyrics below.

"Good Good Father"

Oh, I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like

But I've heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night

And you tell me that you're pleased

And that I'm never alone

You're a Good, Good Father

It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are

And I'm loved by you

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

Oh, and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide

But I know we're all searching

For answers only you provide

Cause you know just what we need

Before we say a word

You're a Good, Good Father

It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are

And I'm loved by you

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

Cause you are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways to us

You are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways to us

Oh, it's love so undeniable

I, I can hardly speak

Peace so unexplainable

I, I can hardly think

As you call me deeper still [x3]

Into love, love, love

[x3:]

You're a Good, Good Father

It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are

And I'm loved by you

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

You're a Good, Good Father

(You are perfect in all of your ways)

It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are

And I'm loved by you

(You are perfect in all of your ways)

It's who I am, it's who I am it's who I am

Now quite a few mamas cried during the whole little program, over what I assume was their baby growing up and heading to Kindergarten but maybe there were tears for other reasons too.  I started crying during that song because I was thinking about my initial reaction to knowing our first part of hosting money had been due and we were short.  I responded sinfully, not as someone who was deeply in love with their Saviour.  Every time the little four and five year old voices sang the line "You are perfect in all of your ways", I was reminded that I am not perfect but He is and His ways are not my ways.  He holds me in His hands.  In that moment, I did relax and felt "peace so unexplainable".  

He is such a good Father.  I find such rest and peace when I give up on my own selfish emotions and thoughts and allow myself to be flooded with His love.  I pray V will see Jesus in Josh as he shows what a father is to her this summer.  I pray V will find answers to all her questions in Him.  I pray that our family will fall deeper in love with Jesus and that V will see that.  

And now for the Where we are going...

We have just $200 left of our complete hosting fees due by the 15th of May.  I'm resting in Him.  He has this whether He brings others to help us pay for it or asks us to sacrifice and pay for it.  I know I can trust in Him.  I don't need to control this.  We are opening our hearts to His leading and how He wants us to serve V.  

I have two weeks left of school and then can focus on getting the physical things ready for V.  I need to set up her dentist appointment and get a few items for the first day or two until we can go shopping.  We should have travel dates within the next 10 days or so.  Imagine coordinating over 100 kids from two countries traveling to 63 different airports in the US! I don't envy that job and will wait patiently for all the pieces of information to be shared! But I will say that I am super excited to find out the dates and begin counting down until the time I can wrap my arms around a young girl who needs a mama and to hear the beautiful Ukrainian chitter chatter again! 

So, if you made it this far then that is where we are and where we are going one day at a time! My heart is so full of love from all the people who are helping us love V and share our hearts and home with her this summer.    Thank you never seems adequate when someone does something so monumental but THANK YOU! Josh and I and the girls appreciate each of your who are praying over us and have helped us financially.  We can't wait to see how God continues to provide for our family!

Being Alone

If you are a mama of little children then I already know you will be shaking your fist in the air with a hearty AMEN upon your lips when I say, "Time alone is limited but when it happens it is glorious!".

I had the chance to go visit one of my dear friends this past October in Washington D.C.  If I remember correctly I spent four nights and five days there.  I had a lot of alone time and it was awesome.  I only had to wipe my own bum, cut my own food, sit by myself with no one touching me, think whole thoughts at one time, have endless conversations with my friend without interruption, and the list could go on (one more, I showered by myself without little faces peeking around the curtain)!

But the last day or so I missed my husband and I missed my children.  I felt the distance between us and while I loved my time with my friend, I was ready to go home to be with my family again even if it included an abundant amount of NOT ALONE time.

The past few days I have been thinking a lot about being alone and the feelings of loneliness.  As a Christian, I may be physically alone or feel lonely at times but I know I walk with Jesus and I am never truly alone.  My thoughts are typically only a beat or two away from V and L in Ukraine.  So as I am thinking these thoughts about being alone, I wonder how it feels to have no one on Earth and to not know the love and protection of a Saviour.

I can't wrap my brain around how hopeless and scary it must be.  First, on the earthly level, it must be difficult to not have someone you immediately go to to share your thoughts with.  I've been married for almost 10 years (only about three more months until the big anniversary) and while Josh gets to hear all about everything, I still look forward to calling my mom and telling her stories about the kids, my day at work, or asking her for advice.  I think about the orphan children who are close in age to our Adria, who is almost 8 years old, not having a family to share their everyday life with.  If it was Adria she wouldn't have had someone excited to listen to her read her first whole book or to say how proud they are of her when she got her first chapter book; no one to listen to her laughter or hear her silly songs she sings in the shower; no one to know the foods she loves or the food she hates.  NO ONE. God didn't make us to be alone and yet sin in this world has created situations where these children are alone.

My mom has gone on two mission trips to Ukraine and keeps in contact with the Pastor and his wife who are Ukrainian.  Recently, the pastor and his wife were in America for a conference and she was able to visit with my mom for a few days while her husband was at the conference.  She happily translated for a whole hour while I talked to L.  It was wonderful but one statement L made stood out to me.  She asked that we keep calling her each week and her reason was so heartbreaking.  She knew we wouldn't have someone to translate like this again, but she said she loved to hear our voices and it made her feel good to have our voices near her again even if we couldn't understand what each other was saying.  She is alone with no parents and she is trying so hard to be an adult with no training on how to do so.

Secondly, on the spiritual level, these sweet children have no Biblical upbringing and do not know what salvation is or if they do they have been taught that Christianity is a cult and of the devil.  They don't know a peace that surpasses understanding.  It is heart breaking to know that they are physically alone and spiritually alone which results in no hope.  To be a young, orphan teenager you are considered to be middle aged as many orphans do not live past their 20s.  They need salvation and they need family who will teach and show them God's love and perfect gift of salvation.

The next time I find myself in a pity party and feeling lonely or inwardly begging for alone time I think my thought process will be a little different because I know these simple truths: I am never alone and I am blessed with a husband and children who prevent me from being alone.

Because of our choice to host last summer and this summer there will be two less orphans in this world who are alone.  We will have built an ongoing relationship with them, so when they feel alone they have family to turn to.  We will have ministered to them and showed them the gift of salvation so they might be one step closer to knowing God.  God willing, one day we will be able to make an orphan a permanent part of our family so there truly will be one less orphan in the world.

There are so many sweet faces left on the photo listing who need homes this summer and parents who will keep loving them and parenting them when they return to their home country.  We are roughly two weeks away from the end of the matching season.  Make room for one more in your family, so that there will be one less lonely child.  www.nhfc.org

Love In a Little Package

1 John 3:16-18

"By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.  But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

Our family is decently large according to most standards these days.  I have three siblings who are all married, three nieces and three nephews.  Josh has two brothers who are both married, five nephews and two nieces.  I love these people so much.  But today I am going to share about one of them.  Her name is Lily.  She is going to be 11 in a few weeks.  Lily is quiet and soft spoken.  She is very tenderhearted too.  Last summer she loved L and was very sad to see her leave.  She still periodically tells my sister that she misses L or brings up a memory about her.  She has also asked her mom and dad if they could host an orphan from Ukraine too (we are still working on that one).  

Yesterday, unbeknownst to me or my husband or even my sister (her mom), Lily took it upon herself to make a plan to earn some money to help buy V some new clothes this summer and help with our hosting costs.  While my sister was doing school work with the other kids, Lily made a sign and a collection box.  She decided she wanted to do yard work to earn money for V's new clothes, as most of the kids only come with an outfit or two.   

My sister posted it on Facebook and within an hour or so Lily had her first job and many others asking for her to do jobs for them as well.  

I was floored when I saw the post and when she brought by a check later in the evening.  Lily showed her love for a person she has never met. She saw a need and didn't ignore it.  She loved through deed and not word.  I found Christ's love in a little, petite 10 year old package last night.  V is so loved, loved by our Saviour, loved by myself and husband, loved by our little girls, and loved by a sweet 10 year old who knew how to help meet a basic need for another girl!

I was not the only one moved by Lily's love.  Our network of hosting families often shares when God provides for us in surprising ways. I posted about what Lily had done and another person was moved and while she wasn't able to accept Lily's help because of living in another state, she made a donation as well.  

Watching the body of Christ serve and love one another and care for the orphans of this world is so beautiful.  I am excited to watch how God provides for our family in the days and weeks to come.  How little my faith and trust is at times.  These moments are living proof of how He provides and weaves together His plan when we step out of His way and carry on in faith. 

Pray that V would see the love of her Saviour through our actions this summer.  Pray that Josh and I will show that "love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).  

There will be so many opportunities for Satan to step in if we do not guard our hearts.  Pray that we would seek God daily and strengthen our relationship with Him.  Hosting isn't for the faint of heart! 

Pray too that as the matching season ends that more families would step out in faith and choose to love in deed by opening their homes to an orphan this summer.  It is and was scary to enter into this adventure but it was and will be so rewarding.  www.nhfc.org  The matching window closes May 1st. 

A Hosting We Will Go

Today is my first weekday of spring break and to usher in the fun, we filled out hosting paperwork and had it notarized at the bank! Exciting!!! I know it doesn't sound exciting but I had a whole morning of thinking and praying for our girls, past and present.  We celebrated Christ's resurrection yesterday and L's 17th birthday too.  It has been a good past few days.

We also found out where V is in her country and a pretty good guess about which language she speaks (Ukrainian).  It is kind of like when you are pregnant and you are so excited when the baby arrives to see what color of hair and if the baby looks like one side of the family or the other.  The more details we get about V, the more excited we become.

Below is a copy of our support letter! Happy reading folks!

March 28, 2016

Dear Family and Friends,

Josh and I would like to take a moment to update our friends and family about how we have been ministering to orphans in Ukraine.  As I sat down to write this letter, I was time warped to May of 2015, almost a year ago.  We had just moved to a new house and were presented with an opportunity that was entirely of God’s timing and leading for our family.  We began the process to host an orphan from Ukraine through a Christian organization called New Horizons for Children, which matches an Eastern European orphan with a host family for five weeks during the summer (www.nhfc.org).  I remember thinking there was no way we would be able to raise the money in 15 days, as we came into this at the end of the matching season.  God is so awesome and He provided in ways we didn’t expect.  The funds to host Luda last summer appeared in 15 days! We were humbled by His provision for our family.  I remember in the last days before the funds were due money kept popping up here and there, even in the smallest amounts of $1.10 from our previous internet provider from when we moved.  I pinned that check up on our calendar board and we never cashed it.  This past year it has served as a reminder of God’s provision in all ways in our lives. 

Meeting and loving Luda was challenging and heart wrenching and wonderful! We had an awesome summer with her and it broke our hearts to send her back in August.  We have maintained a relationship with her and have continued to financially support her now that she has left the orphanage due to her age. We just celebrated her 17^th birthday via Facebook, a phone call, and sending her some gifts through the wonders of online ordering in Ukraine!

Back in late January, the New Horizons for Children Interview teams returned from their trips and the hosting window was opened in February.  We knew we couldn’t host Luda again because of her age/leaving the orphanage but we were open to hosting another child.  We scoured the photo listing and read the short bios.  After last year and our experience of seeing Luda’s photo and immediately knowing she was the one, we were expecting the same thing to happen, it didn’t.  We felt devastated and questioned if this was what God wanted our family to do.  With more prayer and more time and faith in God’s leading, it happened at the beginning of March.  More photos were added daily of children looking to find a host family for this summer.  We saw her sweet face and knew right away.  She is 14 years old.  She lives in an orphanage in Ukraine, west of Kiev. 

Through this experience, it has reaffirmed our desire to foster and adopt children who have been abandoned and don’t know the love of a family or the love of a Savior.    To read more about how God worked in our hearts, check out this link to our blog that gives more detail and recorded last year’s journey.  http://t-rexhugs.blogspot.com/2015/05/you-want-to-do-what.html

We are in need of about $1600 which pays for airfare, visa, and transportation costs and food while traveling in country for the embassy appointment and days of travel, child’s documentation/approval to leave the country, medical insurance while here, passport and visa, home safety visit, etc.  We are asking that you prayerfully consider donating to help bring our host daughter home to us.  If you aren’t able to support us financially, then please consider becoming a prayer warrior for our family.  Below you will find some different options for how to donate and a list of prayer requests and other needs. 

God Bless,      Josh, Katie, Adria, Amelia, and Eliza

Ways to Donate: all donations are Tax Deductible

VIA Check:

Please making checks payable to New Horizons for Children and include a note/memo stating our child’s code E1107. Send to NHFC, Attn: Accounting, 5330 Brookstone Drive, Suite 250 PO BOX 801395 Acworth, GA 30101

VIA PAYPAL:

Our PayPal donation page may be accessed via their website, www.nhfc.org.  Go to the families page and click on “Pay your hosting fees”.  As with checks, donors MUST list our child’s code E1107.

*NHFC will send a tax donation receipts to donors.

VIA our YouCaring page:

https://www.youcaring.com/e1107-546526

*After making a donation you will immediately receive a tax donation statement.

PRAYER REQUESTS:

-All funds would be given by the deadline of May 15^th

-Prepare our host daughter’s heart to the love of a family and more important the love of God

-Our host daughter’s salvation

-Our family: our marriage, the girls as they adjust to loving another sister

-pray for our hearts to not be guarded in loving this child though we know first-hand now the grief that will be inevitable at the end of the summer when we are physically separated as she returns to Ukraine

-pray if this child is meant to be ours permanently that the doors to the adoption process would be smooth as we embark on that journey

-dental and vision providers would give visits without cost

-Ready our hearts for another summer of personal spiritual growth and family growth

Other Physical Needs:

-clothing/gift cards to purchase clothing for her, she will come with maybe an outfit or two

-duffle bag (has exact measurements that are required by NHFC, just ask if interested in donating this)

-Backpack

-Bible in her language (we believe it is Russian given the area she lives in)