Slowly Processing

How do I begin this post?  It has been brewing in my head for about two weeks now.  Let's rewind to the last week of August/first week of September.  School was brutal that week.  We had some issues that caused us to have to leave our classrooms for two days, so my three colleagues and I moved our 35ish students into an empty biology lab classroom for two days.  Surrounding this situation was a lot of side problems.  It was a stressful week and that is putting it in a tiny nutshell for simplicity's sake.  On top of this, we threw in a birthday celebration for Adria, my first case conference of the year with no prep time to write the IEP, a last minute field trip, staff absences, and oh, yeah, our home study appointment to turn in all our paperwork to cap off the week.  I was being attacked on every level it felt like.  That Friday we took our classes to the park for the bulk of the morning.  One teacher was out so we had a sub filling in.  This particular sub is one used to be an assistant for our department and is a really neat Christian lady.  As we were walking the trails with the kids she walked beside me and asked how my week had been. I found myself unloading the stress on her and shared some of the adoption stress I was feeling.  She had subbed last spring when we were preparing to host and we talked about our possibility of adopting then.  The sun was shining and the weather was fantastic for what seemed like the first time in a LONG time, she looked at me and said, "Katie, when people are following God's will for their life and faithfully walking that path it is inevitable that Satan will put every hurdle in your way to try to prevent it."  I readily agreed with her but it is something that has continued to swish around in my head since that day.  Since then there have been several other times when the same sentiment has been given to me in different formats and through different people.

This past weekend, I really reflected and thought about how adoption will change our family, our marriage, and each of us individually.  It was heavy on my heart and mind.  This isn't something we entered into lightly.  We spent the last year talking about it and praying about it.  I am knee deep in the emotional side of this decision.  I feel like it is a jumbly mess inside of me and I am probably butchering this post by trying to get it out, so bear with me.  I guess part of me doesn't want to type out some of these thoughts because they are serious and scary.  I also feel that people may not understand either.  Despite that, we know God is calling us to serve Him by adopting a teen.  With adopting a teen comes several risks.  We are planning on different things to take precautions against those risks but still I question is this what we should be doing.  I've had the following thoughts and questions running through my head, 'How will this affect our bio kids?' 'What if they are hurt in this process' 'Their normal, won't be most people's normal' 'What if the bad stuff DOES happen to us?' 'How will we cope if the worst case scenarios happen?' 'What if everything falls apart?' 'What if she is hurt more in this process?' And on they go.

I know part of this is sinful fear of the unknown, a lack of faith.  I also know some of these questions need to be asked and thought through with wisdom.  It is hard and unpleasant to sort through.  But then God places the smallest of moments and reassures me that what we are doing is important and good and right.  So I take those moments and know:
-my children will someday understand unconditional love like our Savior has for us
-my children despite any bumps or sink holes we encounter are His and will remain His and will continue to pray for their salvation and safety
-we were never promised an easy road in this life
-I can't control the future whether the bad stuff happens or not, it isn't mine to control nor was it ever mine to control.
-We are going to work so hard to help heal our newest child, as well as nurture and grow all four kids to the best of our human ability with the skills and knowledge God has given us.


I have learned already that our story is touching people outside of my direct circle.  Someone recently told me that you never know how God might use our family and story of adoption to influence future families in their decision to adopt.  I don't want to over share but I also want to be open and honest about all aspects of our adoption journey.  There is so much joy and excitement that comes with this process but at the same time there is a lot of heart ache and grieving and hard situations to process.  Pray for Josh and I as we continue to walk this path.  Pray for our bio girls as they come along with us on this path too.  Pray for our future daughter's salvation and healing from whatever trauma she has experienced in her life.  Pray for continued wisdom and guidance as we make choices and decisions.  Pray that we continue to slowly process all of this and respond in a godly way.