But I Don't WANNA Do This!!!!

I'm 33 years old.

I'm not supposed to throw temper tantrums.

I really, really want to throw myself on the floor and kick my feet and bang my fists into the carpet and scream that I won't send V back on Friday.

But I'm 33 years old and the mama and an adult and so I am mentally and emotionally picking myself up off the floor but it stinks.

I couldn't decide on a title for this post.  I almost used But I Don't Wanna Be Uncomfortable.  The older I get, the more I realize how I am a big fan of being comfortable.  I love wearing pajamas because honestly who chooses uncomfortable pajamas?! Uh, no one! I love jean days at work because it is more comfortable than dress clothes.  My newest find, Lularoe leggings.  Oh my word, they are comfortable.  I hate scratchy sheets because they are uncomfortable.  I'm not a fan of extreme cold or heat, I like the weather to be just right.  Riding on planes causes back pain for me so I'm not excited to fly.  I'm socially awkward 99.9% of the time so the thought of spending an evening in a social situation is rather uncomfortable.  Also, add to the list of things that are uncomfortable for me...small talk.  I'm not good at it.  My coworker and I joke that we make the perfect social situation team because he is good at small talk and can get the conversation started but then he has no clue what to say after that and I'm the opposite so we stick together in social situations at work.  Being sick is always not comfortable.  I guess what I'm trying to describe is that I prefer my living, health, social, and all life areas to be comfortable.

Having your heart broken isn't comfortable.  Friday my heart is going to break.  Honestly, I've purposely ignored it.  I am a calendar lover and I have refused to enter departure times into the calendar.  Regardless of how uncomfortable departure is going to be, it is going to happen.

We don't purposely buy pants that are too tight, sheets that are like sandpaper, or have medical/dental procedures done for no reason.  We don't choose discomfort unless the end outcome is highly desired. We rarely know what the future holds though, thus making us creatures who desire comfort.  God knows what the end outcomes are though.  Proverbs tells us we are to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding,".    My understanding is comfort.  I seek it out regularly.  When God's plan for my life requires discomfort my initial flight or fight kicks in for a moment.  Then, I remind myself, "Katie, put your big girl panties on and trust in God's plan for you.  He never promised an easy, comfortable life!"  I have to remember what God's promises are for me.  I also have so many examples within my life and the lives of those around me of how God remains faithful and just. He keeps His promises and it strengthens my faith.

I've spoken before about hosting not being comfortable.  But the end result of allowing God's love to shine upon V and L is worth my discomfort.  So I am packing my tissues and willingly going into departure knowing how absolutely terrible it is to say good-bye to a child who you have fell head over heels in love with and want to be yours for all the days you roam the earth.  I'm willingly going to hug and love on and dote upon her in those final moments. And when the time comes to let her go through the security gates at the airport I will physically let her go.  I do not know what the future holds for our family and V.  I know God called us to minister to her for six weeks this summer and to build a relationship which we will hopefully continue after she arrives back in her home country.  I know God is a good God and a merciful God.  I know while the situation is uncomfortable, I have a God who gives comfort to the afflicted.  The joy I have experienced is worth the discomfort. And if God calls us to walk another uncomfortable road then I'm ready and willing, I will throw on my tennis shoes and run (well, let's be honest, I don't run so more like speed walk) in that race.

I don't WANT to do this but sometimes you get what you get and you don't throw a fit, so I'm picking my 33 year old self off the floor and will say good-bye for what I hope is just a little bit and not forever.

Please pray for V and the many other children who will begin their journeys back to Latvia and Ukraine on Friday.  Pray for the adults and chaperones who will be traveling with them. Pray for the host families who will be heart broken or for those feeling guilty for being relieved that departure day finally arrived.  Pray for our family as we readjust to not having number 6 with us.  Please continue to pray as we are raising funds for adoption. Pray for clarity and wisdom through each step of the adoption process.

Almost One Week

We are rockin' the non-verbal communication almost one week into hosting! I feel like I have nothing profound to write about today so I am going to do a one week anniversary recap.

Pick-Up: Met and spent time with some other awesome host families in Cincinnati. It was a late night with lots of sleep in the van, except for me who was driving! 

Day 1-Wednesday: We had a very slow start to the day.  Our bio girls were very anxious to meet their new host sister and had to wait several hours while she continued to snooze the morning away.  The meeting was anti-climatic much to our girls great excitement and anticipation.  I thought perhaps she would try to use google translate after some sleep but there was just a lot of smiles and nods.  We headed to Target for some staple clothing shopping with a gift card.  After getting the basics and a few other just because items we were set.  We spent some family time together in the evening.

Day 2-Thursday: Another slow start to the day and I think it was the last of the jet lag wearing off.  We spent the morning with grocery shopping and some bonding time at home.  In the afternoon we met my sisters and their kids at the splash park in Greenwood.  We had fun and I was pulled under the big dump buckets one too many times.  It made all the kids laugh so I guess the very chilly water was worth it.  We spoiled our dinner with ice cream at Mrs. Curl's Ice Cream.  

Day 3-Friday: Josh had to return to work and I was flying solo with all four girls.  We had a few errands to run and we gave V a first time experience at the car wash.  It was so cute to watch her reaction to the experience. 

Day 4-Saturday: We experienced our first at home day.  We did laundry, played, and rested.  Eliza had went to the dr. friday evening for an ear infection and felt puny.  We managed to entertain ourselves despite the grumpy toddler.

Day 5-Sunday: I was looking forward to church but Eliza had a fever again in the night which meant not very much sleep and no church.  Sunday was probably the roughest day we have had so far.  It was raining and everyone felt a little stir crazy and I was exhausted.  The girls watched a movie during nap time and I completely fell asleep in the recliner.  When Josh got home from work I ran to the grocery store.  I needed the reprieve from grumpy toddler and clingy children.

Day 6-Monday: Happy Birthday America! That is how we tried to explain the holiday to her.  I have no clue if she has any knowledge about America so I tried to keep things basic! We had my parents and Josh's mom over for some BBQ at lunch time.  Then, Josh and Dad decided to replace a light fixture in our kitchen so we had a little bit of house work done too.  We played lots of Uno while the guys worked.  This afternoon we had a bit of quiet time.  

And that brings us up to me sitting on the couch, with girls on either side of me, writing this post. It has been more challenging for me, personally, because I am in demand for more physical contact.  Besides having a toddler who constantly wants mommy to hold her and a very affectionate 7 year old who likes lots of pressure contact, I know have a young teen who needs and wants lots of affection. By bed time I feel creepy and crawly on my skin from so much contact all day long.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade all the lovin' for anything but it is taking some adjustment since I am not an overly touchy/feely person.  One thing that is different this hosting is bed time.  She loves to have me tuck her in and help get ready for bed.  She also likes to go to bed wayyyyy earlier than our host daughter from last summer.  I am thankful for that.  Last summer we were lucky to go to bed by 11pm most nights.  God always weaves the pattern of His work perfectly.  I was gearing up for lack of sleep and instead I am getting sleep (when the toddler isn't sick) and learning to share myself more than I thought was possible.  I am thankful for the sleep so I can start the day refreshed and ready for all the hugs and snuggles I am getting! 

Prayer Requests: 

-V would feel more and more comfortable with us and open up more

-I would be at peace with the lack of verbal communication

- Adria is struggling with the changes in the family and experiencing some "growing pains" personally

-pockets of time to be made for Josh and I to connect as a couple in order to better parent both the bios and host daughter!

-time to be made for prayer and quiet time with God!!!

Physical Needs:

-a pair of gloves and a winter hat

-tennis shoes

-FRUIT! We hate to deny her food when she and most other orphans are starving for good nutrition but we also can't financially increase our grocery budget! She is definitely making up for the lack of food and lack of variety of produce.  Fruit is a special treat in Ukraine.  She is so willing to try all the food we have given her.  

And for those of you who made it to the end....a cute picture (or as cute as it can get when trying to get four children to look at the camera) of the girls!

The First 24 Hours

Okay, I apologize for last night's post! : ) I reread it today and realized it was a rambling mess and people WEAR clothes not WHERE! lol

We made it through day one.  Listed below are my top thoughts at the end of day one.

1. Last summer we hosted a veteran hostee and it made the experience very different (which isn't bad or good but just different).
2. Orphanage life and how it affects individuals breaks my heart.
3. She hasn't spoken to us yet.
4. She is soooooo sweet and lovable!
5. She is easy to shop with and loves to push the cart and look at everything!!!!
6. She is hard to shop for because she is in between sizes so we had to grab two sizes of everything to try on.
7. How can someone leave for a six week trip with nothing more than the clothes on their back?
8. It is so depressing that as I saw her eyes light up over a book bag, a set of pjs, and one shirt in particular, that I know when it goes back with her in August none of it will be hers to keep.
9. She is a love bug and spontaneously hugged Josh and I today.
10.  She played like the other girls at the park this evening, which made me happy and sad all at once.
11.  She LOVES fruit.  (If anyone wants to donate fruit, I'll take it! I see our grocery budget increasing this summer! lol)
12. She loved playing dress up and Barbies all day long!
13. I heard her first laugh when we played UNO and she gave me a draw 2 and I acted like it was an extreme tragedy!
14. She likes to smell things! She spent five minutes opening every toiletry item I bought her to smell them all. Then, when we were in Target walking past the cleaning aisle I saw her take a big sniff of all the smells and smiled.
15. Ignorance is bliss.  Last year I had no idea how hard saying good-bye in August would be.  I do this summer and in the back of my mind I am sobbing about having to send her back! Don't worry I am not focusing on it, just acknowledging it.
16. I googled pictures of different foods and used thumbs up or down to find out what to put on the meal plan this week.  She giggled through the whole process, but was really excited about spaghetti and pizza!
17. I can't wait to watch her reaction to everything we get to do with her this summer!
18. I better get some sleep!

Thank you for everyone who reads these posts and are supporting and praying for us! We appreciate it so much.  We can't wait to share V with each of you and hope you get to see a glimmer of the sweetness we have already seen in her!

When Swimming Lessons Make You Cry

The days are quickly dwindling until arrival day is here! We are down to 18 more days!! Life has been very busy lately and it is helping to make the days go more quickly.

I have been picking up needed items here and there and bought the supplies for V's welcome poster we bring to the airport.  Each step makes the very soon arrival of V more exciting!

We have been trying to get different things out of the way prior to hosting.  Eliza had some food allergy testing done last week and then today she had a little eye procedure on a clogged tear duct.  We have been working on a fire pit relocation project in the backyard.  Adria went from snaggle tooth to gappy mouth when she lost her front tooth on the top.  Amelia and Adria started swim lessons at the beginning of this week and will have one more week.  Perry Township Learn to Swim program has been around for eons! The girls were shocked that mommy took swim lessons in the same pool they were.  This is my third summer of being at swim lessons as a mom.  It is such a normal thing.  Even this evening, when we went to our neighborhood pool another mom was there with her son and we had chatted at the pool before and she remembered us talking about the girls getting ready to start lessons.  She asked how they were going and then made the comment that it is an important life skills for anyone to know in order to be safe in the water.  Thinking about her comment brought me back to my little break down on Monday morning.

The first day of swim lessons this week, I was looking around at all the moms and dads who were bringing their kids to swim lessons.  I recognized a few people I knew from high school and swim lessons in previous summers.  As I was sweating profusely in the upper level bleachers at the Perry Meridian HS pool, I had a mini break down (thankfully I held it on the inside).  Tears filled my eyes as I looked out at the children and around me at the parents.  I guess ignorance can be bliss sometimes.  I look at situations through a different pair of glasses now that I am aware of a fraction of what an orphan's life looks like and about the statistics for these children.  This was an autopilot kind of activity for our family, signing up and taking the girls to swim lessons wasn't really something I thought about deeply but just something that needed to be done.  Those simple ways we care for our kids everyday without really thinking about it.

Last summer L enjoyed swimming but wasn't a very good swimmer.  One evening when we were swimming, she got a cramp in her leg while she was down in the deeper end and she started to panic and yelled MAMA! I had to grab her and bring her to the side of the pool.  She was scared (so was I).  She never had the opportunity for a mama and daddy to thoughtlessly sign her up for swim lessons because it was just something that is an item on a to-do list of what needed to be done for her.  How many other small things like swim lessons will L and V miss out on because they don't have a family?
I think this is one area that is hard for me to overcome and that I come back to so often.  We have so much and they have so little and miss out on so many simple things.  An acquaintance and what I would like to consider a friend through kindred hearts of loving orphans, recently brought her son home from Ukraine.  She has given updates and we have chatted online a few times and she has repeatedly said how her heart hurts for all the things she will never get to do as a mother for her son and all the milestones she has missed in his first 15 years of life.  These young children sometimes have gone so long without a parent and parenting it is hard for them to give up the independence they have built within themselves and allow a parent to do their job.

So I am trying to ready my heart and my mothering skills for a heaping six week dose of loving and parenting the heck out of V, just like I continue to try to do for L.  It is why I got teary eyed at swim lessons.  Pray for our family as we spend these last couple of weeks filling up our love tanks and carving out special time to pour into our bio kids before we are pulled in another direction.  Pray that Josh and I find time to strengthen our marriage even more as we will have a decrease in our time alone over hosting.  Pray for V that she will be open to our love and our parenting.  Pray for L as she ends her school year at the trade school.  Oh, and praise the Lord that He provided a soft and giving heart in the dentist who is once again donating her services to care for V's teeth. 18 more days!!!!

27 more days

27 more days! I kind of want to be really annoying and write it in size 500 font so you could realize how excited we are about only having 27 MORE DAYS, but I will refrain! : )

This past weekend we received the flight manifest!  I have only looked at it like 500 times! This year we will be picking up from Cincinnati's airport which is wonderful! Last year we picked up at O'Hare and had to spend the night up in Chicago.  It all worked out fine, but traveling even more after traveling for a day and half already was hard on L.  Our bio kids are not good travelers, so the short drive of 1 hour and 40 minutes was extremely happy news for all parties involved.  Plus, arrival time is earlier than last year too.  We should be back home by 11:30pm, at the latest, if flights are on time.  My sister graciously agreed to stay with our other kids so we don't have to drag them out of the house at bedtime.  There was one slight glitch that we are praying about.  The kids arrive into the US in Atlanta and then will fly to Cincinnati but the travel agency accidentally scheduled the flight from Atlanta to Cincinnati about 30 hours after arriving in Atlanta, so the next day in the evening.  Oops! They were working with the travel agency to correct the problem and we should hear something before the end of the week. That is a very long layover for children or anyone for that matter.

I cleaned V's room out this week and it is all ready for her arrival.  I have been picking up this and that for her as well.  I need to work on our welcome poster for arrival day and pick out a furry stuffed friend to give to her at the airport still.  All little things to finish up and plenty of time to do it in.  I also am waiting to hear back from the dentist office about donating services again this summer.  Once that is taken care of then we are ready for arrival!

For me personally, I would appreciate some extra prayers.  I'm still grieving over not having L back this summer.  There are times I feel so guilty that we are having another child into our home, when L needs us just as much as I know V does.  I am so full of mixed emotions.  While cleaning out L/V's room it was hard to picture someone else besides L in there but then I am so excited to prepare a physical space for V in our home too because I'm already choosing to love her!  I also feel overwhelmed at times with meeting my bio kids needs, making sure I make time for L via the internet chat and phone calls, and then imagining how I will add one more to the mix.  Really, I am just trying to process everything. In those overwhelming moments, I know who holds me and all my children, present and overseas and can rest easy in that knowledge.

I'm off to nest some more! I need a clean house and organized home to bring our girl home to!

27 more days people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Countdown to Hosting

We are almost a month away from arrival. We are fully funded through many generous and loving people in our lives.  Tickets were bought this week and hopefully by the end of the week we will have a travel itinerary sent to all the New Horizons families, which is VERY exciting!

I went shopping last week and got a few items for V for the first day or so until we are able to go shopping for more clothes.  I did find out she is a size 8/medium and size 9 shoe.  Granted those sizes were from the winter time so they may change slightly but it is a good starting point.  I think the moment I pick out some pajamas and an outfit for the first day it makes it become so real.  We will have another body in our home to love on and support and feed! Yes, I know it isn't a baby, but the arrival of any child makes me go into overboard mommy zone!

I belong to a group on Facebook of other families who have either hosted or adopted from the orphanage where V is it.  One of the mom's sent me a message that said she thought her host daughter is friends with mine and that they were in some pictures together.  Sure enough, after sending me a few photos, I was able to see V's pretty face smiling at me.  She looked like she was having such fun taking group selfies with her friends, such a typical, universal teenage girl thing to do.  It is the simple, little moments that warm my heart the most.

Last hosting season I felt more like a spectator on our Facebook groups, this hosting season I have found that I am connecting with families and other moms all over the country who have a common denominator, their love for Jesus opened the door to love a child without a family.  It is so neat to see the connection span from Idaho, Texas, South Carolina, Michigan, Tennessee, and some other states too.  It is a great support system with other people who understand the same struggles and joys of hosting!

I am excited about our next steps as a family and the support and relationships it will bring.  I will give another update again soon! For now we are waiting with great excitement!

Love In a Little Package

1 John 3:16-18

"By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.  But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

Our family is decently large according to most standards these days.  I have three siblings who are all married, three nieces and three nephews.  Josh has two brothers who are both married, five nephews and two nieces.  I love these people so much.  But today I am going to share about one of them.  Her name is Lily.  She is going to be 11 in a few weeks.  Lily is quiet and soft spoken.  She is very tenderhearted too.  Last summer she loved L and was very sad to see her leave.  She still periodically tells my sister that she misses L or brings up a memory about her.  She has also asked her mom and dad if they could host an orphan from Ukraine too (we are still working on that one).  

Yesterday, unbeknownst to me or my husband or even my sister (her mom), Lily took it upon herself to make a plan to earn some money to help buy V some new clothes this summer and help with our hosting costs.  While my sister was doing school work with the other kids, Lily made a sign and a collection box.  She decided she wanted to do yard work to earn money for V's new clothes, as most of the kids only come with an outfit or two.   

My sister posted it on Facebook and within an hour or so Lily had her first job and many others asking for her to do jobs for them as well.  

I was floored when I saw the post and when she brought by a check later in the evening.  Lily showed her love for a person she has never met. She saw a need and didn't ignore it.  She loved through deed and not word.  I found Christ's love in a little, petite 10 year old package last night.  V is so loved, loved by our Saviour, loved by myself and husband, loved by our little girls, and loved by a sweet 10 year old who knew how to help meet a basic need for another girl!

I was not the only one moved by Lily's love.  Our network of hosting families often shares when God provides for us in surprising ways. I posted about what Lily had done and another person was moved and while she wasn't able to accept Lily's help because of living in another state, she made a donation as well.  

Watching the body of Christ serve and love one another and care for the orphans of this world is so beautiful.  I am excited to watch how God provides for our family in the days and weeks to come.  How little my faith and trust is at times.  These moments are living proof of how He provides and weaves together His plan when we step out of His way and carry on in faith. 

Pray that V would see the love of her Saviour through our actions this summer.  Pray that Josh and I will show that "love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).  

There will be so many opportunities for Satan to step in if we do not guard our hearts.  Pray that we would seek God daily and strengthen our relationship with Him.  Hosting isn't for the faint of heart! 

Pray too that as the matching season ends that more families would step out in faith and choose to love in deed by opening their homes to an orphan this summer.  It is and was scary to enter into this adventure but it was and will be so rewarding.  www.nhfc.org  The matching window closes May 1st. 

Where He Leads, We Will Follow

Obviously, I am not a regular blogger.  So let me rewind to August 2015.

Our hosting journey came to a bittersweet end.  We weren't ready to say good-bye and the weeks following departure were full of heart ache and learning to communicate and parent across a big pond.  A piece of our hearts will always be a little sore from not having L in our home everyday.  We talk to her almost daily.  She does get busy at her trade school during the middle of the week so we don't normally talk then unless she is having a rough week.  She seems to have adjusted better to trade school than she did at first.  We send pictures and I love you's as often as we can! Her birthday is this month and I have felt extra weepy about not having her here and probably because of the news we are wanting to share too.  Thankfully, some of L's other past host moms and us have joined together to send L some money each month to help take care of her needs.  She is so appreciative and it helps knowing if she needs something she is able to get it.  We did look into the possibility of a student visa for her but so far that has not worked out.  There aren't a lot of options in Indianapolis. The places we did look into either denied us for lack of proof of finances (They wanted $20,000 sitting around in our bank account and we definitely aren't there at this point in our lives!) or the lack of English was a deterrent for them to accept her.  We asked to host her at Christmas but she was no longer able to be hosted because of her status at the trade school and not an orphanage.  So we have continued to nurture the relationship and care for her across an ocean.

Back in late January/early February the hosting window opened up for Summer 2016.  We immediately did the initial application and gained access to the photo listing.  It was awful! Not a single child made our hearts stir like L had.  We would look together every few days and crickets! We started talking and praying about not hosting, maybe it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't the path God was leading us down.  But if there is anything we learned after hosting and loving and still loving L is that we now have a heart for orphans and want to adopt.  We have specifically felt lead to adopt from Ukraine.  So as we scrolled through the pictures and read the profiles we saw and inquired about a few kids from Latvia but after getting more information and still felt nothing we kind of put it on the back burner.  We started to talk about just flying L over for a vacation this summer ourselves.  While we want her here, we also felt that nudge to keep checking the listing because new kids were being added every few days.  Finally, this past week a darling little face popped up on the listing and I showed her to Josh and read the description and we both said hmmm, yeah, maybe.  Then, I started randomly wanting to see her face one more time and would look at her picture and read the description.  Josh said to email our coordinator and ask for more details.  I guess it was at that point for me that I kind of already knew this is the one we are supposed to have in our home this summer as I wrote the email to our coordinator, Liz.  Then, to confirm it we began checking our email frequently (like twice an hour at times) for a response from Liz.  And darn that technology, Liz was having some issues with the email through NHFC and so the response took forever (or just a few days)! Before I was done reading it all the way, I was messaging Josh.  We both said okay this is it!

V, is from Ukraine.  She is 14 years old.  She wants to see a giraffe.  We are working on finding out from the person who interviewed her to find out her language and region.  She is quiet and was a little shy during the interview.  She was very nervous too.  She has an older sister who just turned 18.  When the interviewer was done and went to hug her she just melted right into her arms.  She has been hosted one other time.  We can't wait to see her and have her into our home.  And if God is leading us to adopt her then we can't wait to begin that journey as well.  Our minds and hearts are open to His leading and where He leads, we will follow.

Prayer requests: We will need to raise about $1,750.  We will need to find a dentist and eye doctor willing to donate exams (hopefully, the ones we used last summer will be willing to do so again!).  Prepare the hearts of our girls as we add another family member this summer.  Prepare V's heart to be open and accepting of our love and care this summer.  Give us strength and perseverance as this is hard work! Also, pray for a gentle touch upon our hearts where L has been and that we wouldn't compare the relationships that we have with both of these girls.  Pray for L as at some point this will probably come up and we don't want her to be hurt or feel that we never wanted her!

And finally, for those of you developed a relationship with L and maintain contact on Facebook or even have her as a friend on Facebook we ask that you place her as an acquaintance so you can filter what comments are shared with her.  We are trying to protect her feelings in this delicate situation and if you re-post any of our posts about hosting it could hurt her greatly.  We want to keep you informed and have people praying over us but also want to be mindful of not hurting her.

Thanks for your prayer and support as we begin another hosting season.  I will be posting more information in the coming week about how to help support us financially, as well as through prayer, and meeting physical needs for V too.

In Him,
Katie and Josh

Get Your Game Face On!!!

Parenting is _____________ (fill in the blank)!

amazing

life changing

laugh out loud funny

full of crying

patience

hard

difficult

unimaginable

a gift

punishment for what you did to your parents

precious

not to be began without thought

exhausting

exhilarating 

The list could go on forever.  I have been a parent now for almost seven years.  I am in NO way an expert at this.  I know I am better than I was seven years ago and have learned more with each child but am a bit more bewildered with each child too and have so much more to learn and grow.  There is no manual besides the Bible and even though it does not give exact instructions about sleepless nights or getting your kid to eat their veggies, it does give us a strong foundation of how to instruct our children in what is right.  It also gives us wisdom and teaches us to rely on Christ alone.  It gives us a path.   

I do know that I have to get my game face on each and every day.  Satan has a sneaky way of using parenting and family life as a way to lead us into temptation to sin.  I have to be prepared for battle for an epic game between good and evil each day to protect myself from sin and teach my children to protect themselves from sin.  I have to have my game face on for the moments when there is nothing I can do as a parent besides cling to Jesus and call out to Him for strength and to gird me with truth and wisdom.  (By the way I love the definition of gird- to prepare (oneself) for action).  

Parenting is active.   Each week during hosting we receive a weekly email with a report we have to fill out about how it is going.  At the beginning of the weekly email there is always a pep talk.  Today we received the weekly email.  I found it particularly hard to swallow.  It spoke about being in the home stretch of hosting being over, and how no matter what the  experience has been, we are all a bit tired and drained.  It also reminded us that these children are going to go into preparation mode for departure.  They either consciously or subconsciously understand they will be  leaving unconditional love and basic needs being met continuously.  They will put the walls back up that have come down.  Parenting has to be active to combat all these things.  It isn't for the faint of heart.  It is time to get my game face on.  

Today was hard and heart breaking.  We had our first big parenting moment with our host daughter.  She has been exemplary while here.  We have seen only a few very normal teenage eye rolls.   Today was the first blow up.  I am not going to go into details about what happened because it isn't the point of what I am wanting to share.  

After the dust settled and we began the working it out phase (like I said, parenting is active), we started to talk.  I know a lot of you have wondered how the communication barrier has worked out.  I will tell you I am so happy that I have experienced this barrier.  It forces you to communicate slowly and with thought.  Something I need to work on with my English speaking family and friends. You are forced to not interrupt and wait patiently while really "listening" to what is being typed and translated.  It took us about two hours of talking and bonding before things resumed to "normal".  When we finally got past the anger about what had happened, then the doubts surfaced and it was heart breaking.  

Never in my meager seven years of parenting (to my knowledge) have my children every felt or thought that we wouldn't want them because of what happened during a tense time.  But sure enough it was one of the first doubting questions she had.  "Do we want her to go back to her home country now?"  I had to put on a massive game face in order to not fall on the floor and weep.  In the grand scheme of things, the problem we had today was a blip, nothing really.  Something any family with a teen or child of any age has and will always encounter.  Did it need to be addressed, yes but would I get rid of a child over it, no.  The thought would never even enter my mind, but it was the first thought to enter hers.  

I have said it before but I will say it again, parenting without God is unfathomable to me.  I need His guidance and comfort and strength and wisdom, and love to do this! Parenting is active and you gotta get your game face on to do it!

Pray for us as we come to the end of this part of our journey with our host daughter.  Pray for her heart to continue to soften towards God and the gift of salvation He wants her to receive.  Pray for our "tanks" to be filled once again with strength to love unconditionally and to show her what Jesus' love for us looks and acts like.  Pray we would not fall to pieces over her departure.  Pray she doesn't build all the walls up and continues to allow us in. 

The Elephant in the Room

There is an elephant in the room.  Its name is departure.  It seems to be getting bigger everyday.  It is mean and scary and no one wants to get near it. 

But........


It is going to happen, whether we like it or not.  Most of you who will read this are parents.  Imagine giving your child away....heart clenches, sweaty palms, tear filled eyes, am I right?!?! The thought is terrifying.

That is how I feel every time I look at the calendar. 


It seems so natural to have L as part of our lives now.  I look forward to her sleepy face greeting me in the morning.  I love going through the grocery aisles and picking out foods I know she will enjoy.  My nose is even adjusting to the overly sweet teenage body spray she uses five hundred times a day.  I treasure the afternoons when the house is quiet (at least a few days a week) and she curls up with my favorite quilt (which I haven't used at all since she arrived) and puts the recliner legs up and we sew or watch tv. 

All of those things fly through my mind each day and in the background August 4th keeps knocking.  I don't want to answer the door.  She should just stay here forever, but she isn't mine legally and I have to send her back to a place where she doesn't have a nice comfy bed, sisters to bug her, mama's favorite quilt to wrap up in, more than enough food to fill her belly and so much more.  And it is going to be hard.  I am going to be a mess.  I tear up looking at the calendar. 

Jesus is in control, He's got this.  I can be a hot mess because I find rest and comfort in Him. I try to play that on repeat in my head with all the other thoughts that occur.

So in the little time left before the elephant overtakes the room, I pray, I love on her a bit more, I soak up her laughter, eye rolling, sassy personality, and pickle eating self!

A Quiet Sunday Afternoon

Two weeks!

Two weeks have flown by.  Today marks the beginning of the third week which means we have just three weeks left, I'll mention my thoughts on that matter further down.

We have settled into a nice groove.  The language barrier hasn't magically gone away but we know how to work around it better.  If I speak to you in broken English please forgive me because I have at times caught myself thinking in broken English, "Family no like melon, mama no buy!".  It is an art to live with someone who doesn't speak your language and you don't speak theirs.  You have to be able to think of about five ways to say the same thing in the most simple ways and then add in some gestures and charades and that is a good snapshot of what conversations look like in our house.

Some may wonder how do they spend their days, what does she like to do, how do you entertain small ones and a teenager at the same time, well folks, I will let you wonder no more.

We live life!

Profound stuff, huh?  Our lives have gone on.  We play games, play with toys, watch movies, play outside, go swimming, watch the rain fall, fall fall, fall (it has been nonstop rain lately), clean house, do laundry, cook meals, giggle and rough house, and all the other normals that happen.  L enjoys cross stitch so I have taken her on two trips to the craft store to buy supplies.  She is fast and extremely good but very modest about her skills. 

Living with a teenager has rocked my little people world in some ways.  We have had the joy of having an extra set of big hands to help with the little ones as well as the housework.  She is young and able bodied and flies through chores! I wish I had her energy!  There is the flip side of having a teenager.  We get eye rolling and sullenness.  And sleep, oh my word, I forgot how much sleep teens love to have.  

Reflections from week 2...how scary life would be without Christ.  I take Jesus for granted I think.  It was a startling realization.  I grew up in a Christian home and have never felt what hopelessness would be like.  Watching L dislike church so much has been hard on me.  Yes, I had friends growing up who weren't believers and yes, I even have encountered people who don't believe in God at all.  But I have never lived with someone who doesn't love Jesus.  I think that is what makes this feel so different for me.  There is such a difference between knowing something and feeling overwhelmed and moved by knowing something.  The picture below streams with my reflections this last week.

 

We are being so exposed and I have such a burden to share the love of Jesus and His gift of salvation.  I grew up in church and was told to spread the word, go light up the world, be a disciple of Christ, and while I understood the need and importance, and even knew it was a direct instruction from God, I didn't feel the intense, overwhelming need to minister and evangelize.  I never connected with an unbeliever in this way before.  Maybe it is somewhat different being a mom now.  Praying over my children's need of God and salvation and praying they would choose to walk with Him and accept the gift of salvation has weighed on my heart since I first held my oldest after she was born.  But I also know my children are being exposed regularly to the Bible, prayer, what sin is and why salvation is needed.  They don't feel hopelessness surrounding them.  L has been surrounded by a life that has been hard and hope wasn't offered on a daily basis to her.  She is trudging through a hard life and has no family but more importantly doesn't rely upon a heavenly father for all her needs.  To say my heart is breaking seems inadequate.  Think about being exposed to church for the first time in a foreign country where you don't understand or speak the native language.   It must be so overwhelming and I am trying to be patient with her.  It is extremely hard for me on Sunday mornings to watch her huff and puff and roll her eyes about church.  She doesn't want to say prayers as a family or read the Bible.  I want to shake her and say Jesus loves you so much and life would be full of hope if you would trust in Him!!!! But I know that would do nothing other than push her further away.  So prayerfully and, probably, inadequately at times, I am trying to show her Jesus in the way we act as a family, I act as a wife and mother, the words I speak, the things I laugh at, the activities we participate in, and on and on.  I print off the songs a friend of ours who runs the AV stuff at church translates for me each week and I hand them off to her so hopefully she will read the lyrics and get another glimpse of God, even when she rolls her eyes and mutters in Ukrainian.   She is a delight to be around and a good girl.  She is helpful and loving but she doesn't know Jesus.  I ask that you get down on your knees and pray so hard for her heart to be softened.  Pray in a hopeless world and hopeless life she would see the hope we find in Jesus.  Pray she realizes and understands despite being poor on earth, she can be rich in soul and heart with Jesus' gift of salvation; despite being an orphan on earth, she can be adopted into God's family, as we all are; despite being alone on earth, she can walk and talk to God anytime of the day or night.  

Phew, okay the baby is crying so I have to end this now! Hopefully I will be able to post again next week! : )

~Katie

24 Hours Post Pick-Up

It is late-10:44pm.  I have so many thoughts jiggling around in the empty space between my ears that I need to expel it all in some sort of format, so forgive the grammatical errors and the punctuation errors as I will NOT be proofreading this free writing.

We drove to Chicago yesterday, leaving Indy at lunch time.  The car ride went pretty well and we arrived with little traffic and trouble.  My brother and his wife were wonderful hosts and kept our two older kids and we took the baby with.  She proceeded to cry the entire trip to O'Hare instead of sleeping like we thought she would.  We were able to chase the baby and meet a few other host families and then we all prayed together.  The flight was a bit early and as the kids were walking towards us we couldn't find our host daughter.  She had dyed her hair very dark and it made her look completely different! Also, I realized when a kiddo has been hosted before the picture they use is from the end of a hosting.  Which means the kiddo looks healthier and has brighter eyes and a glow to them.  I think those things were missing too which is why it took us another moment to recognize her.

I was a nervous wreck.  You know that moment when you have a baby and you leave the hospital or the first time you are left alone with that infant and panic washes over you for a brief, or not so brief, moment.  Well, that happens when you host.  You have this child who doesn't speak your language and is now dependent on you for their well being and care and it is terrifying when the airport coordinator says, "Okay, you guys are good to go now! Have fun!" Insert look of wild eyes and slight panic.  Annnndddd regroup I told myself in my head as I grabbed Josh's hand for a brief moment before lugging the fussing baby in my arms and trying to hold my cell phone and talk into it on the google translate app so I am not rude to this new person in my life.  We all got to bed and while my brother and his wife again are wonderful hosts, I never sleep as well away from home. 

Today was exhausting for everyone.  We tried to let her sleep in because she was exhausted but also leave in a timely manner.  With 6 people in a car for four hours, plus throw in potty breaks, construction, alternate routes, grumpy sleep deprived people it made for an emotional journey home.  Thankfully, the skies decided to dump the liquid once we were safely back home instead of while we were driving. 

We had dinner together and our host daughter did the two older girls' hair and my hair in fancy twisty french braids.  We played barbies together and I showed her all the things in her room.  We have had little getting to know you conversations throughout the day.  As soon as I woke her up this morning she wanted to show me the few treasures she owns.  She has a few pictures of her bio family and then other hosting families.  She shared ages and names.  We listened to music together on her MP3 player and giggled about everything and nothing.  By the time I crawled into bed about 30 minutes ago it all crashed and hit me. 

Obviously, I have been aware that we are hosting an ORPHAN but it really sunk in thoroughly tonight.  I was hit by a tidal wave of grief for this beautiful girl.  She is nothing but sweet.  She loves on the girls and is helpful.  She has NO ONE.  Why God, why? I keep crying out in my head.  How can the world we live in exist where these sweet children have NO ONE!?!?  She literally has NO ONE!!!! I can't stop yelling this to myself inside my head.  No one to tuck her in at night (yes I am aware that most teens don't need tucking in but still!), no one to think about whether or not she is taking care of her teeth (I am stickler for good dental hygiene), no one to care if she eats a balanced diet, no one to hear and love the sound of her laughter, no one who randomly pulls her in for a hug just because.  I could go on but I guess I get it and so do you, or at least I hope you do. 

Yes, God I hear you! I am so sinfully self-centered it isn't even funny.  I had no clue to what degree until about 40 minutes ago when the tidal wave hit me.  I obviously have so much to learn and am opening my heart God! Change me, grow me, make me more like You! Give me strength to be SOMEONE to this girl.  Let me continue to be uncomfortable and aware of how hard this is so that I don't lose sight of the path you have put before me.  I will turn to you for strength and comfort.  I will acknowledge your ways and trust in you.  I will let go of myself in order to be used for your glory!  AMEN!

Well, I am exhausted and have to go throw away the large amount of dirty tissues that I just created.  I will try to be less all over the place for the next post! ; )

Twas the Night Before Hosting...

Twas the night before hosting and all through the house, the momma was nesting, the dad was all smiles, and the three small girls were looking forward to meeting their big sister! 

I can't believe we are at this point in our journey.  In about 33 hours I will get to hug and welcome "L" to our family for the summer.  We have been busy since my last post.  With school out for the summer, we have focused on preparing our family for the hosting experience.  We have tried to fill up our "love tanks" by spending one on one time with each of the girls.  Josh and I also spent a weekend together two weekends ago by attending a Weekend to Remember through Family Life.  It was a refreshing time.  We have spent some family time with swimming, trips to the library, playing at home, and enjoying being together. 

We have also seen a rise in some little kiddo behaviors, most likely in response to the upcoming changes.  Please pray the girls would acclimate to the changes and embrace "L" as part of our family with all the good and bad that comes with it. 

We had some wonderful friends and family who volunteered to help get the room prepared that she will be staying in.

The clock is set on Ukrainian time and then there are maps of Ukraine and Indiana.

I have definitely felt like an expectant mother these last few weeks.  I find myself daydreaming about what our family will be like with a sixth person.  I have lovingly put away clothes for her and thoughtfully made purchases that I think she will enjoy.  Don't worry I have also had reality checks about it not being all dreams and rainbows of happiness. I am realistic about the harder parts of hosting.  

The last couple of days have been an emotional roller coaster for a few reasons.  The embassies across the world experienced a crash in the computer program which issues visas.  New Horizons for Children has to make travel plans a bit backwards because of rules in Ukraine.  In order to host we have to show goodwill intentions for carrying it out, so plane tickets have to be purchased prior to a visa being obtained.  You can imagine that we now have all these plane tickets bought and the embassy saying they can't issue visas because of the computer program problems.  It was neat to watch the families, as we connected on Facebook, come together in prayer and support across the whole United States, watching God's family at work is an amazing thing to behold.   

There was a time of corporate prayer through a conference call everyone could dial into.  With the time difference we would have to wait for news to come through about what was happening.  At one point it was grim, like no hosting was going to happen grim.  This occurred on the day the kids from Latvia (the other country New Horizons hosts through) were arriving.  It was so hard to watch the Facebook news feed with pictures and posts about the Latvia kids arriving when there was a good chance our Ukraine kids wouldn't arrive at all.  Mixed emotions took on a whole new meaning, I was sad and thrilled all at once.  One of my favorite pictures was a group heading to California that had missed their connecting flight and had to stay on the east coast for a night, and when the girls arrived and saw their host families, one of them had this look on her face like she had just won a large lottery sum!  It was precious to see but hard too. 

At that point, New Horizons For Children asked the Ukraine families to contact their senators and ask them to speak on our behalf to the embassy.  God used all these people and moved a mountain.  The embassy in Ukraine finally agreed to open on a Saturday just for our kids.  Josh and I had a lot of high fives and hugging going on in the kitchen when we found out.  The girls were thrilled too.  Videos and pictures of the kids at the embassy were posted and it was wonderful.  I stalked them all but couldn't find our host daughter.  

That brings us up to today at almost 4 in the afternoon.  At midnight our time, 7am on Monday in Ukraine, the kids heading to Chicago will board their first flight.  They will have two other stops before arriving in Chicago on Monday night around 9pm (10pm Indiana time).  We will be staying the night with my brother and his family since it is only about 40 minutes from the airport.  Then we will leave the next morning to head home to Indiana.  

Prayer Requests:

-smooth travel for all the Ukraine kids

-strength and patience for the chaperones flying with them

-smooth travel for all the host families as they make their way to the various airports across the US for pick up

-the kids from Latvia and families that have already been united this weekend and that adjustments would go smoothly

-peaceful transitions for the Ukraine children and host families this coming week

-for our girls to acclimate to the changes in our home

-for Josh and I to practice patience and love and be the best example of what parents should be like for our host daughter

-for Josh and "L" to bond and that she would experience what a healthy relationship with a father figure is like

-for Katie's back-I did something to it on Friday and have been in a lot of pain Saturday and today

Praises:

-God provided a melting of the heart of those in charge at the embassy in Ukraine and that the visas were issued

-the body of Christ responded by turning to Him for strength and comfort when our plans didn't go the way we thought they would

-the Latvia kids arrived safely and with few "bumps" in the travel plans

I can't wait to update with pictures and stories of the arrival and first week!  My goal is to post at least a short entry about each week.  

Psalm 104:31-34

May the glory of the Lord endure forever; may the Lord rejoice in his works, who looks on the earth and it trembles, who touches the mountains and they smoke!  I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being.  May my meditation be pleasing to him, for I rejoice in the Lord. 

~Katie

An Update: Next Steps

It has been a continued whirlwind of emotions, activities, and to-do lists this past month.  I finished school at the end of this past week which has alleviated a lot of extras from our day to day life.  We are now in the hosting zone!  I wanted to take a moment to update everyone about where we are at in our hosting journey.

We had some wonderful people help us financially and I know there are even more that I don't know about who are supporting us through prayer.  We were short a third of the money on the night before the due date.  We were stressed and praying that we would know what God would have us do.  A lot of you know we recently sold our house and moved.  The day the money was due we received a check from our previous mortgage company, which we knew we would be getting, but had not been given the exact number.  We underestimated the amount based on what we knew so God once again provided more than what was needed to pay the balance on our account.  It was amazing! Then, after flights were finalized last week we received the small balance statement from New Horizons for Children, which happens because they can't predict the complete costs of flights and connecting flights to a location closer to us.  It wasn't very much, but I prayed God would move the funds so it didn't affect our regular budget.  About two days later we received another check from the title company from closing on our new house.  There had been an overage charge and we were being refunded.  It was a little more than half of what we owed for the final flight difference.  And finally, just to remind us that God is ultimately in control we received one more check from the internet company again with a little bit of money that was left when we closed the account at the old house.  It was a happy mail week at our house! : )  If there were any doubts about whether or not we were truly being called to host this summer and on such short notice, they have been erased with God's awesome provisions. 

The next hurdle happened when we received the flight information.  Her flight will arrive in Chicago around 9pm on June 29th.  We were struggling to figure out what options we had because Josh works both the 29th and 30th.  Most of you may not know but Josh isn't able to just take off of work very easily.  We submit his days off in December for the following year and they are granted based off of seniority, which Josh falls about 6th in line for his shift.  Then, it is not a good thing to just call in either.  They are pretty strict and it is a fine line of calling in one too many times and you could end up in trouble.  We prefer to stay away from calling in because of that and try to only use the pre-approved days off.  We kept going in circles about how picking her up should play out.  Do we drive back that night and get home around 2-3am and then Josh could make it into work by 6am but be exhausted?  Do we spend the night with my brother's family and leave early the next morning and Josh could make it in for the last 6 hours of his shift if his Lt. would approve that?  Anyway, the options were swirling around but God took care of it.  Back in December when Josh submitted his days for this year he chose some random days here and there throughout the summer for extra family time.  We don't typically keep track of his days off when we have no pre-made vacation plans.  Finally, he checked this past week about what days exactly he had asked off for and guess which days they were?!? June 29th and 30th!  Again, if doubts are floating about out there about whether God wants us to do this, they should be gone by now!

The Michigan training was about two weeks ago, and it was a huge blessing.  We were required to attend an all day training up in Michigan.  The trip was very smooth with little traffic and Josh and I enjoyed the 6 hours round trip of talk time with each other.  The training was great because we were able to get a lot of information and meet other host families.  We were also able to talk to four teens who have been part of the hosting program and then adopted by their host families.  It was interesting to hear what scared them the most and what experiences were most valued.  Overall, it was a great day and made us even more excited about this adventure. 

To end this extremely long post I will share our to-do list and some prayer requests:

To-Do:
-prepare the room our host daughter will be staying in
-get a few more outfits on hand for the first few days
-obtain a winter coat to send her back with
-obtain a rolling duffel bag (required to send her back with)
-Home Safety Assessment (will be done June 5th)
-finish unpacking from the move
-obtain a Ukranian Bible
-schedule Dentist and Eye exams (required as part of the program)

Prayer Requests:
-our host daughter's salvation
-prepare our host daughter's heart and mind for the upcoming weeks as she joins our family
-take any of our fears and anxieties and fill us with peace and wisdom to handle situations which will occur this summer
-prepare our other three daughter's for the changes in our family
-give Josh wisdom as he leads our family through this experience
-we would find a dentist and eye dr. willing to give us services for free or reduced price
-set our eyes and feet to Him as we serve this summer
-traveling for our host daughter would be smooth and her body would remain refreshed and strong through the long day of traveling

We are getting excited and nervous as the days dwindle and her arrival date gets closer.  I will hopefully continue to update everyone through this blog.  Thanks for everyone has is supporting us through prayer and I love getting all the questions and being able to answer them for each of you.  Thank you too for the financial support you gave our host daughter to make this happen for her. 

God Bless,
Katie, Josh, and our soon to be 4 girls!

You Want To Do WHAT?!?!

It was about a month ago that a friend on Facebook posted a link about some orphan thing.  I skimmed over it and thought it wasn't abnormal to see from her because their family has a heart for fostering and adoption.  Then, in the next couple of weeks I saw more posts popping up on my newsfeed.  Finally, after seeing the posts about five or six times I stopped and clicked on the link and it took me to www.nhfc.org which is New Horizons for Children, an orphan hosting program.  My first instinct was "that is so mean, you bring these kids here and show them what a family is all about and then ship them back to an orphanage".  Despite my first instinct, I kept perusing the website.  I read their statement of faith, I have listed it below straight from their website:

Statement of Faith

We believe there is only one God, eternally existent in three persons – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. (Genesis 1:1; Matthew 28:19)

We believe the Bible to be the inspired, the only infallible, authoritative, inerrant Word of God. (II Timothy 3:15; II Peter 1:21)

We believe in the deity of Christ (John 10:33), His virgin birth (Isaiah 7:14; Luke 1:35), His sinless life (Hebrews 4:15; 7:26), and His miracles (John 2:11). 

We believe in His death, which completely paid the debt of our sin, (I Corinthians 15:3; Ephesians 1:7), His resurrection (I Corinthians 15:4; John 11:25), His ascension to the right hand of the Father (Mark 16:19), His personal return in power and glory (Revelation 19:11)

We believe in the absolute necessity of new life by the Holy Spirit for salvation because of the exceeding sinfulness of human nature, and that men are justified on the single ground of faith in the blood of Christ, and that only by God’s grace through faith alone are we saved. (John 3:16-19; Romans 3:23; 5:8-9; Ephesians 2:9-10; Titus 3:5)

We believe in the resurrection of both the saved and the lost, they that are saved unto the resurrection of life, and they that are lost unto the resurrection of damnation. (John 5:28-29)

We believe in the spiritual unity of believers in our Lord Jesus Christ. (I Corinthians 12:12-13; Galatians 3:26-28)

We believe in the present ministry of the Holy Spirit whose indwelling empowers the Christian to live a Godly life. (John 16:7; Acts 1:8)

I couldn't refute any of those statements.  I started thinking more about it.   Would I want my children to experience hopelessness or the love of a family if only for a small amount of time?  Would I want my children to not know what a fraction of Christ's love is like or feel a small amount of Christ's love outpoured from a Christian family if only for a small amount of time?  The more I thought about it the more I realized I was excited about what New Horizons for Children was doing.  They were bringing the mission field directly into the home for five weeks during the summer.  The hosting family becomes mom and dad, sisters and brothers to an orphan who otherwise might never experience a stable, loving Christian family.  A family who will not only supply them with love and care but provide basic needs like clothes and shoes.  

Let's be honest for a minute.  I am a full-time working mother.  I rarely have time to go to the bathroom alone, so how would I leave my family at this point in our lives and spend a week or two on the mission field ministering to orphans across the world?  Well, I guess if God called me to serve in that way it would all fall into place but right now I haven't felt lead to leave and serve in that way.  But I have a lovely new home, a wonderful husband, a lot of extra love and space in my heart, and so much more that I could give to an orphan.

The next couple of days after this epiphany I kept stalking the website and looking at the kids' pictures.  I told Josh all about it and he thought it sounded like a cool program and would definitely consider participating in the future.  I agreed that I thought it was something we should prayerfully consider FOR THE FUTURE! : )  We had always wanted to do foster care and have never been opposed to adoption.  At the end of April a blog entry was posted on their website, I was keeping up to date at this point in my stalking habits!

The blog entry was titled the Joy of Uncomfortable Love written by Hyacynth Worth.  This woman's words unraveled every last string attached to FOR THE FUTURE that I had woven around my heart and mind.  Below are a few excerpts from her blog:

"Hosting asks a lot of us.
It asks us to trust in God’s tug on our hearts and in his leading.
It asks us to set aside our fears.
It asks us to rely heavily on God for all kinds of provision — financial, emotional, spiritual and physical."

"We lay down our lives for others in the truest sense when we are willing to risk vulnerability, discomfort, inconvenience and even rejection to love someone.
If God’s been breaking your heart for the orphans who break His, let’s be willing to do three things this summer:
1. Let’s get comfortable with being uncomfortable because Love once was uncomfortable for each of us.
2. Let’s show up and allow God to use our little bit of willingness and watch Him supply us with the rest.
3. Let’s live like heirs of God."

I was at work on my lunch break while reading this.  I knew in an instant this wasn't FOR THE FUTURE, it was for NOW! That night I whispered to Josh in bed that I thought God was calling us to do this now.  He replied something to the effect of let's do it next summer or later, now isn't the best time with everything else we have going on.  And at face value, I completely agreed with him and still do.  We just moved, there are still boxes that need unpacking.  We have just come off of a long stressful few months with selling and buying a new home.  We have three children, one of who doesn't like to sleep, like EVER! We are sleep deprived and busy.  It is an awful time to welcome an orphan into our home but yet I felt the strong push that my timing is not His timing.  The next day I sent the link to the blog post to Josh.  A few hours later I received a text from him that said "I'm all in for this summer! Let's see what next steps are."

CRAZY! This is what this whole thing was.  I filled out the initial form and submitted it and received an email from our area coordinator.  It was exciting but in the back of my fear filled mind I still knew it was no commitment at this point, it was just an inquiry.   A few days after getting the email, I called Linda.  She was super nice and I kept thinking according to the website, selections for who you wanted to host was on May 4th and all the money was due May 15th.  This isn't going to happen now, we will have to wait until Christmas or next summer to host.  No big deal, at least I followed God's prompting.  I secretly was relieved.  But Linda assured me we could step forward in faith.  It wasn't too late.  

This brings us to right now, today.  I will wholeheartedly admit that fear hits me several times a day and I find myself muttering that we are insane.  Then, I pray.  I feel calm and reassured that we aren't making a colossal mistake and God will provide the remaining $1800.  That's a lot of money and I am a control freak who is so out of control right now it isn't even funny.  My first lesson of depending on God and not myself. 

We have chosen a beautiful 16 year old girl from Ukraine.  For security purposes we will just call her "L".  She is breathtakingly gorgeous.  I can't wait to wrap her in a big hug.  I am scared senseless at the same time.   This is going to be hard.  This isn't going to be sunshine and roses.  Josh and I know we will have to experience a whole new level of parenting.  It will challenge us individually, it will challenge our marriage.  It will challenge our little girls to learn more about loving unconditionally.  It will teach them to share mom and dad a bit more.  I hope they will see God move in our family in new ways. More than anything I hope that "L" learns about God.  I can't keep "L" with our family at the end of our hosting experience.  She will go back to Ukraine.  I will have no control over what horrible things may or may not happen to her in the years to come.  But if she comes to know the Lord, she will always be protected and feel His love.  If she doesn't come to know the Lord, at least another seed will have been planted into her heart and our family will continue to cover her with prayer.  

So yes, we have about 11 days to raise $1800.  Yes, we need family and friends to help us out with that.  I know God will work in the hearts of others just like He is working in our hearts to provide "L" with a loving family this summer.  We are prepared to step out in faith to be stretched and grow and love.  Are you willing to help support us?

If you feel lead to support us financially please visit our YouCaring page and make a tax deductible donation at the following link: http://www.youcaring.com/nonprofits/e0002-kunkel-family-fundraiser-new-horizons-for-children-/346448

If you feel lead to support us through prayer please send up prayers for the following things: 
-we will meet the funding deadline
-prepare the heart and mind of "L"
-continue to prepare our family for the joys and trials we will face this summer
-pray for the other hosting families and orphans who will be joining together this summer

Thanks and Love from the Kunkel Family