But I Don't WANNA Do This!!!!

I'm 33 years old.

I'm not supposed to throw temper tantrums.

I really, really want to throw myself on the floor and kick my feet and bang my fists into the carpet and scream that I won't send V back on Friday.

But I'm 33 years old and the mama and an adult and so I am mentally and emotionally picking myself up off the floor but it stinks.

I couldn't decide on a title for this post.  I almost used But I Don't Wanna Be Uncomfortable.  The older I get, the more I realize how I am a big fan of being comfortable.  I love wearing pajamas because honestly who chooses uncomfortable pajamas?! Uh, no one! I love jean days at work because it is more comfortable than dress clothes.  My newest find, Lularoe leggings.  Oh my word, they are comfortable.  I hate scratchy sheets because they are uncomfortable.  I'm not a fan of extreme cold or heat, I like the weather to be just right.  Riding on planes causes back pain for me so I'm not excited to fly.  I'm socially awkward 99.9% of the time so the thought of spending an evening in a social situation is rather uncomfortable.  Also, add to the list of things that are uncomfortable for me...small talk.  I'm not good at it.  My coworker and I joke that we make the perfect social situation team because he is good at small talk and can get the conversation started but then he has no clue what to say after that and I'm the opposite so we stick together in social situations at work.  Being sick is always not comfortable.  I guess what I'm trying to describe is that I prefer my living, health, social, and all life areas to be comfortable.

Having your heart broken isn't comfortable.  Friday my heart is going to break.  Honestly, I've purposely ignored it.  I am a calendar lover and I have refused to enter departure times into the calendar.  Regardless of how uncomfortable departure is going to be, it is going to happen.

We don't purposely buy pants that are too tight, sheets that are like sandpaper, or have medical/dental procedures done for no reason.  We don't choose discomfort unless the end outcome is highly desired. We rarely know what the future holds though, thus making us creatures who desire comfort.  God knows what the end outcomes are though.  Proverbs tells us we are to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding,".    My understanding is comfort.  I seek it out regularly.  When God's plan for my life requires discomfort my initial flight or fight kicks in for a moment.  Then, I remind myself, "Katie, put your big girl panties on and trust in God's plan for you.  He never promised an easy, comfortable life!"  I have to remember what God's promises are for me.  I also have so many examples within my life and the lives of those around me of how God remains faithful and just. He keeps His promises and it strengthens my faith.

I've spoken before about hosting not being comfortable.  But the end result of allowing God's love to shine upon V and L is worth my discomfort.  So I am packing my tissues and willingly going into departure knowing how absolutely terrible it is to say good-bye to a child who you have fell head over heels in love with and want to be yours for all the days you roam the earth.  I'm willingly going to hug and love on and dote upon her in those final moments. And when the time comes to let her go through the security gates at the airport I will physically let her go.  I do not know what the future holds for our family and V.  I know God called us to minister to her for six weeks this summer and to build a relationship which we will hopefully continue after she arrives back in her home country.  I know God is a good God and a merciful God.  I know while the situation is uncomfortable, I have a God who gives comfort to the afflicted.  The joy I have experienced is worth the discomfort. And if God calls us to walk another uncomfortable road then I'm ready and willing, I will throw on my tennis shoes and run (well, let's be honest, I don't run so more like speed walk) in that race.

I don't WANT to do this but sometimes you get what you get and you don't throw a fit, so I'm picking my 33 year old self off the floor and will say good-bye for what I hope is just a little bit and not forever.

Please pray for V and the many other children who will begin their journeys back to Latvia and Ukraine on Friday.  Pray for the adults and chaperones who will be traveling with them. Pray for the host families who will be heart broken or for those feeling guilty for being relieved that departure day finally arrived.  Pray for our family as we readjust to not having number 6 with us.  Please continue to pray as we are raising funds for adoption. Pray for clarity and wisdom through each step of the adoption process.