I know it isn't really the saying, but from month 4 home to now I've had too much to say so I chose to stay silent. I know certain truths, and yet knowing something and walking through it are two very different things. I know truths of God's promises. I know facts and information and yet applying that information to my life makes it real and in my face. I know that just because God asks me to do something and I faithfully follow His will doesn't mean it will be rainbows and sunshine and birds singing while I am doing it, but yet a part of me wanted to believe that is exactly what would happen. I wanted to believe that we would be that small percentage of adoptive families that would have the Leave It to Beaver family after the adoption was all done and over with. Like I said, I knew that wasn't really going to be the case but a eeny, teeny part of me hoped it would be. Well, it wasn't. Walking through a fire to find a tornado on the other side to only have an earthquake occur followed by a hurricane isn't really something someone says "Pick me!!!!" for. But we did.
When we started orphan hosting we said to God to use us however He wanted to in this arena. We felt that nudge and followed God's will to adopt and again we said, "PICK ME" in not so many words. The last several months I've repeatedly said, "WHY ME God?!? Don't pick me!! Please!". Our household has seen so much the last few months, things I knew were a possibility but had hoped wouldn't happen to us. I've never seen myself in such an ugly state of being. I knew the truth of being a sinner but wowee am I really good at sinning. It scared me sometimes because I never knew how dark and twisty my sin could really be and how deep the Father's love and forgiveness could reach.
We've been through the fire and tornado and earthquake and I'd like to say that we are seeing the rays of sun coming through the last bit of the hurricane but then I'd be right back where I started a few months ago. Trauma is real and so is secondary trauma (when the person who was traumatized brings the result of that trauma into someone else's life that causes trauma for them). I've never understood the fall of man better than I have in the past few months. Jesus' work on the cross has never had more meaning to me than it has the past few months either. Knowing those two truths alone has made this walk bearable and fruit bearing. I pray fervently for all four of our children. I cry out continually to God that this wouldn't tear the girls and Josh and I apart but rather take each rip and sew it into something even stronger and better. Being refined by a fire hurts. I've never experienced such deep and thorough hurting in my life. There were days this past winter that I felt like Job. How much more would be stripped away from me? I couldn't bear to share my heart and update everyone on how things were going when it was awful. I struggled with finding anything positive to say past, "We are alive. I got dressed today and made it out of the house to pretend like my life isn't falling apart around me and burning to ashes." There have been so many times when someone asked how things were going and I yearned to look at them and say, "wonderful!". Instead I'd scream inside how awful things were then politely say, "Fine." and quickly make my exit.
Amidst the anguish and the falling on my knees in prayer were my brothers and sisters in Christ. It has been moving to watch our church family shelter us during this storm. They have rose to the occasion so many times. They have opened their homes, they have opened their arms for me to fall into and have offered many a tissue to wipe my tears with. They have showered us in prayers. Our ladies retreat back in April was about prayer. I walked away with the point of being so specific in my prayers so that I can truly see how/when God answers that prayer. Within our small group at church we have had specific prayers being petitioned on our behalf and have seen God answering those prayers.
While my family comes with a warning label these days, I wouldn't trade it in, although I have thought about it so many times. I am praising God for the small group He placed us in. I am praising God for our church family. I am praising God for the unexpected friendships and relationships that have been fostered through this season of life. I am praising God for my parents and siblings who have opened their home when we needed a safe place to stay the night. I am praising God for a specific person at school that created one more safe haven to help our family during this time. I am praising God that He has moved people to be forgiving of all my inadequacies during this time. I am praising God that He has given me the gift of salvation when I soooo didn't deserve it. I am so thankful for what Jesus went through on the cross for me. I am praying that this summer would be more positive bonding than negative situations continuing to arise. I am praying specifically for peace and that we would be able to maintain stability for all four girls. I am praying that Josh and I will have some opportunities this summer to get away for whatever length of time to reconnect and strengthen our marriage. I am praying that God becomes an integral part of each of our girls' lives and they would come to know Him as their Savior. I am praying that the weather will be mostly good so we are not as homebound as we are during the winter months. I am praying for continued healing and trust and connection for Vita.
I truly do not know what the future holds and where our family will end up and how our adoption story will continue to play out but for now I am steadfastly allowing God to hold me through this storm. While it hurts so much that I can't seem to bear the pain some days, I have continued to feel utter peace deep inside me. When I thought I should long ago have been committed to the looney bin, peace rained down.
So that is your 10 month, almost to the day, update. The last six months were silent because I had too much to say, so I said nothing at all.
Saturday, May 19, 2018
Sunday, May 7, 2017
The Day Arrived That I Never Dreamed Would Actually Happen
Part of me actually, kind of, sort of, thought this whole adoption thing would never actually happen! I thought that for so many reasons, like costs, paperwork, being too fearful of the unknown. Primarily, the costs seemed impossible. So the day has finally arrived that I really never dreamed would actually happen all those months ago. Each step of the way it seemed more realistic but there was still a little part of me that waited for the other shoe to drop. But folks it is actually happening and we cannot be anymore excited!!!!!!!
Here is the itinerary of events for the next week or so for those who would like to know:
May 8-Drive to Chicago and fly out at 4:30PM
May 9-Arrive in Kiev around 12:30 pm and then survive until bedtime so we can get on the right time schedule
May 10-SDA Appointment at 10am (3am Indy time, for you night owls or insomniacs) and then spend the day sight seeing and enjoying our daughter's country
May 11-Go back to the SDA and pick-up our travel permission papers to go to V's orphanage. This is where it is somewhat unknown. There is a chance we will go ahead and head to V's town that day.
May 12-Definitely will be with V in her town! :) :) :) :) This will be our favorite day!
May 13-14-Not exactly sure how we will spend these days since it is dependent on how much of the day we are allowed to see V and spend time with her.
May 15-Saying good-bye and heading back to Kiev to turn in our paperwork and prepare to head home.
May 16-leaving really, really early to head home. We get home around 2:30 in the afternoon in Chicago and then will drive home and sleep for a long time!!!
Our moms are moving in while we are gone to care for Amelia and Eliza. They are rock stars for volunteering to do this!
Two words are supposed to show how much we love and appreciate everything our friends and family have done for us in the past months, but two words can't truly encompass all of that. But THANK YOU to each of you who prayed over us and our girl. THANK YOU to each of you who have sacrificially given of your time for our fundraisers. THANK YOU to each of you who have helped us financially. THANK YOU to each of you who have taken on a heart for orphans and donated items that are so desperately needed. THANK YOU for those of you who are going to love and care for the little ones we are leaving at home.
So what's next:
When we come home we will be waiting to hear from the court system and receive our court date. It should be around 4-6 weeks. We will travel back to Ukraine for court, just Josh and I. At that point the adoption will be finalized and then we will wait for 10 days (an appeal time) and then we will receive our court decree and pick her up. Josh will fly back home for work and caring for the girls. I will stay through the 10 day wait period and then another 2-3 weeks to finish the paperwork.
Prayer Requests:
-safe travels
-for the grandmas caring for the little ones
-V
-Adria doing well with all these big firsts she will be experiencing
-patience for Josh and I as we travel with an 8 year old
-all the paperwork is done efficiently and smoothly
-we can minister and share God's love and gift of salvation with all those we come in contact with
-Bible Orphan Ministry and the work they are accomplishing with orphan care
-Pastor Sasha and his family as they serve the church and the special needs orphanages.
Needs:
-we still have a need for the last of the airfare funds (guessing around $4,000)
-while I am gone on the second trip and Josh is back home, we will need childcare on the days he works. When we get home from this trip I will need to begin to piece together childcare since it will be for about a month.
-donations for the second trip, I want to load up as much as possible!
Hey, did you know we leave tomorrow?!?!? Way too excited to sleep!
Love to you all!
Here is the itinerary of events for the next week or so for those who would like to know:
May 8-Drive to Chicago and fly out at 4:30PM
May 9-Arrive in Kiev around 12:30 pm and then survive until bedtime so we can get on the right time schedule
May 10-SDA Appointment at 10am (3am Indy time, for you night owls or insomniacs) and then spend the day sight seeing and enjoying our daughter's country
May 11-Go back to the SDA and pick-up our travel permission papers to go to V's orphanage. This is where it is somewhat unknown. There is a chance we will go ahead and head to V's town that day.
May 12-Definitely will be with V in her town! :) :) :) :) This will be our favorite day!
May 13-14-Not exactly sure how we will spend these days since it is dependent on how much of the day we are allowed to see V and spend time with her.
May 15-Saying good-bye and heading back to Kiev to turn in our paperwork and prepare to head home.
May 16-leaving really, really early to head home. We get home around 2:30 in the afternoon in Chicago and then will drive home and sleep for a long time!!!
Our moms are moving in while we are gone to care for Amelia and Eliza. They are rock stars for volunteering to do this!
Two words are supposed to show how much we love and appreciate everything our friends and family have done for us in the past months, but two words can't truly encompass all of that. But THANK YOU to each of you who prayed over us and our girl. THANK YOU to each of you who have sacrificially given of your time for our fundraisers. THANK YOU to each of you who have helped us financially. THANK YOU to each of you who have taken on a heart for orphans and donated items that are so desperately needed. THANK YOU for those of you who are going to love and care for the little ones we are leaving at home.
So what's next:
When we come home we will be waiting to hear from the court system and receive our court date. It should be around 4-6 weeks. We will travel back to Ukraine for court, just Josh and I. At that point the adoption will be finalized and then we will wait for 10 days (an appeal time) and then we will receive our court decree and pick her up. Josh will fly back home for work and caring for the girls. I will stay through the 10 day wait period and then another 2-3 weeks to finish the paperwork.
Prayer Requests:
-safe travels
-for the grandmas caring for the little ones
-V
-Adria doing well with all these big firsts she will be experiencing
-patience for Josh and I as we travel with an 8 year old
-all the paperwork is done efficiently and smoothly
-we can minister and share God's love and gift of salvation with all those we come in contact with
-Bible Orphan Ministry and the work they are accomplishing with orphan care
-Pastor Sasha and his family as they serve the church and the special needs orphanages.
Needs:
-we still have a need for the last of the airfare funds (guessing around $4,000)
-while I am gone on the second trip and Josh is back home, we will need childcare on the days he works. When we get home from this trip I will need to begin to piece together childcare since it will be for about a month.
-donations for the second trip, I want to load up as much as possible!
Hey, did you know we leave tomorrow?!?!? Way too excited to sleep!
Love to you all!
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Stompin' On the Crickets
It has been crickets around here on my blog! So I decided to stomp on them and write a post. I have mere moments of silence to get this done in but thought it had been so long since I posted that many people would like an update.
While I consider our family a semi-veteran hosting family, it was a first for us to do a second hosting of the same child. It was so wonderful!!! The past four weeks have flown by and have been full of regular ol' life to be quite honest. We did all the things we normally do around the holidays and lots of stuff we do year around too. Part of me didn't want to blog because who really wants to read about sorting dirty laundry, washing said laundry, and finally, folding said laundry?!? Also, part of me didn't want to blog about everything because it felt really good to have my whole family in one country, state, and city! I liked how normal life felt. And finally, part of me didn't want to blog because blogging hurts sometimes. When I sit down to write an entry, I often am forced to sort out all my thoughts and emotions and reflect and repent and rejoice. As I finish an entry, I typically feel naked and worn out emotionally. It is also very much like looking in a mirror and as we all know we don't always enjoy what we see, especially first thing in the morning. Examining your heart and motives can at times be a rather ugly experience since we are all sinners and wearin' some ol' fashioned sin is pretty ugly. Okay, so there are all the reasons I haven't blogged.
We will hop in our time machine and head back to December. Arrival was beautiful. I was a nervous wreck and big ball of excitement all day on December 15th! It was a joyful time at the airport. Most of the families I already knew and we met one new family. It was kind of like a party. I LOVE arrival day. The pictures that are posted on social media and the buzz of anticipation and of course the happy but very tired faces of our child! We dove right into all the fun stuff of Christmas. Being off of school and home was great but also busy. We had tons of time with family and we threw in a bit of sickness. V is well acquainted with our doctor office now since we had so many visits over the past four weeks with the other girls. Heading back to school in January and juggling days off and work days as we covered time with V was hectic but also gave her a glimpse of our crazy life.
We have heard way more of V's voice this hosting. Some of you know how silent our summer hosting was. This time she has tried to be a sponge and soak in as much English as possible. Her favorite phrases have been "What is that?", "What are you doing?", and "Why?". I will admit to being drove crazy with the 'why' question. Everything I say or do is responded with "Why?". I just reminded myself how precious that voice is and that each moment is a teaching and learning opportunity so I have mastered the patient replies of explaining EVERYTHING! : )
I also feel we all bonded more securely this hosting. The past week has shown how strong our bond has become. V has wanted as many extra minutes as she can get with us. Bed time has turned into an hour of quiet one-on-one time this past week. There have also been lots of tears as the end of hosting has drawn closer. The tears have slowly killed me this week. I'm still holding my tears back because otherwise I'm not sure if I could stop to drive to the airport on Friday. We have fallen in love with this quiet, sweet, beautiful, child-like, brave teen girl. She is helpful and thoughtful and a love bug through and through. She isn't perfect by any means but her flaws and mistakes only make her more precious as she learns how to work through them and be loved by a family who won't attach conditions to the love she is given.
Hosting is hard. I've said it before and I'll say it again and again. Even the most perfect hosting is difficult because it is kind of like living in limbo. It is a fun limbo when the hosting is going well, but nonetheless it is still limbo. There are weekly chaperone check-ins to be made. Hosting reports to be filled out. Shopping and fulfilling the list of required items to be sent back. All of those minor things added up make life not normal and adds a layer of extra stress to everyday life. I'll be honest that I am looking forward to permanency and normal everyday life in a few months when the adoption is finalized and we are home forever. But we are also just crazy enough to entertain the thought of eventually hosting again in a couple years. Once you catch the bug it is hard to get rid of.
On the adoption front, we have still been battling the medical form issues. I think I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but we will see. My friend Jen is fantastic at reminding me that God's timing is perfect. I honestly thought there was a chance a few months ago that we would be preparing to leave the country for our first trip at the end of this month. Instead, we are just hoping to submit our dossier by the end of this month. While the time tables have changed we are trying to remain faithful to our God and His perfect plan, no matter how painful the stretching of time has been.
We still need to raise more funds and now that the holidays and hosting are over I will be kicking it back into fundraising gear! Be prepared for more updates and ways to help our family.
Pray we make it through these last few days. Tomorrow is our last day together. Very early Friday morning I'll be driving about two hours to the airport with V. I'm a mess and trying to keep it together at work too. I about lost it when someone asked if I was okay. I nodded yes, but really I wanted to curl up on the floor and cry. Rely on God has been playing on repeat this week in my head. Honestly, I'm not sure how someone who doesn't rely on God could possibly do what we are about to do. We will be sending our girl back to conditions that aren't meant for children. Children are meant to have a loving family surrounding them. It breaks my heart day in and day out that while we are bringing one child home to a family there will be way more left behind. I hate being left behind so I can only imagine how those other children feel when they see one of their own getting a forever family and being left behind. Pray fervently for the children who are without families. Pray for our girl as she transitions back to her other life across the ocean. Also, be in prayer for all the kids traveling and the adult chaperones caring for them. It is a big trip for all those kiddos.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for all your prayers and support. We feel so utterly loved and cared for by our family, church family, and friends.
While I consider our family a semi-veteran hosting family, it was a first for us to do a second hosting of the same child. It was so wonderful!!! The past four weeks have flown by and have been full of regular ol' life to be quite honest. We did all the things we normally do around the holidays and lots of stuff we do year around too. Part of me didn't want to blog because who really wants to read about sorting dirty laundry, washing said laundry, and finally, folding said laundry?!? Also, part of me didn't want to blog about everything because it felt really good to have my whole family in one country, state, and city! I liked how normal life felt. And finally, part of me didn't want to blog because blogging hurts sometimes. When I sit down to write an entry, I often am forced to sort out all my thoughts and emotions and reflect and repent and rejoice. As I finish an entry, I typically feel naked and worn out emotionally. It is also very much like looking in a mirror and as we all know we don't always enjoy what we see, especially first thing in the morning. Examining your heart and motives can at times be a rather ugly experience since we are all sinners and wearin' some ol' fashioned sin is pretty ugly. Okay, so there are all the reasons I haven't blogged.
We will hop in our time machine and head back to December. Arrival was beautiful. I was a nervous wreck and big ball of excitement all day on December 15th! It was a joyful time at the airport. Most of the families I already knew and we met one new family. It was kind of like a party. I LOVE arrival day. The pictures that are posted on social media and the buzz of anticipation and of course the happy but very tired faces of our child! We dove right into all the fun stuff of Christmas. Being off of school and home was great but also busy. We had tons of time with family and we threw in a bit of sickness. V is well acquainted with our doctor office now since we had so many visits over the past four weeks with the other girls. Heading back to school in January and juggling days off and work days as we covered time with V was hectic but also gave her a glimpse of our crazy life.
We have heard way more of V's voice this hosting. Some of you know how silent our summer hosting was. This time she has tried to be a sponge and soak in as much English as possible. Her favorite phrases have been "What is that?", "What are you doing?", and "Why?". I will admit to being drove crazy with the 'why' question. Everything I say or do is responded with "Why?". I just reminded myself how precious that voice is and that each moment is a teaching and learning opportunity so I have mastered the patient replies of explaining EVERYTHING! : )
I also feel we all bonded more securely this hosting. The past week has shown how strong our bond has become. V has wanted as many extra minutes as she can get with us. Bed time has turned into an hour of quiet one-on-one time this past week. There have also been lots of tears as the end of hosting has drawn closer. The tears have slowly killed me this week. I'm still holding my tears back because otherwise I'm not sure if I could stop to drive to the airport on Friday. We have fallen in love with this quiet, sweet, beautiful, child-like, brave teen girl. She is helpful and thoughtful and a love bug through and through. She isn't perfect by any means but her flaws and mistakes only make her more precious as she learns how to work through them and be loved by a family who won't attach conditions to the love she is given.
Hosting is hard. I've said it before and I'll say it again and again. Even the most perfect hosting is difficult because it is kind of like living in limbo. It is a fun limbo when the hosting is going well, but nonetheless it is still limbo. There are weekly chaperone check-ins to be made. Hosting reports to be filled out. Shopping and fulfilling the list of required items to be sent back. All of those minor things added up make life not normal and adds a layer of extra stress to everyday life. I'll be honest that I am looking forward to permanency and normal everyday life in a few months when the adoption is finalized and we are home forever. But we are also just crazy enough to entertain the thought of eventually hosting again in a couple years. Once you catch the bug it is hard to get rid of.
On the adoption front, we have still been battling the medical form issues. I think I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but we will see. My friend Jen is fantastic at reminding me that God's timing is perfect. I honestly thought there was a chance a few months ago that we would be preparing to leave the country for our first trip at the end of this month. Instead, we are just hoping to submit our dossier by the end of this month. While the time tables have changed we are trying to remain faithful to our God and His perfect plan, no matter how painful the stretching of time has been.
We still need to raise more funds and now that the holidays and hosting are over I will be kicking it back into fundraising gear! Be prepared for more updates and ways to help our family.
Pray we make it through these last few days. Tomorrow is our last day together. Very early Friday morning I'll be driving about two hours to the airport with V. I'm a mess and trying to keep it together at work too. I about lost it when someone asked if I was okay. I nodded yes, but really I wanted to curl up on the floor and cry. Rely on God has been playing on repeat this week in my head. Honestly, I'm not sure how someone who doesn't rely on God could possibly do what we are about to do. We will be sending our girl back to conditions that aren't meant for children. Children are meant to have a loving family surrounding them. It breaks my heart day in and day out that while we are bringing one child home to a family there will be way more left behind. I hate being left behind so I can only imagine how those other children feel when they see one of their own getting a forever family and being left behind. Pray fervently for the children who are without families. Pray for our girl as she transitions back to her other life across the ocean. Also, be in prayer for all the kids traveling and the adult chaperones caring for them. It is a big trip for all those kiddos.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for all your prayers and support. We feel so utterly loved and cared for by our family, church family, and friends.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
When Joy and Grief Converge
Joy- a source or cause of delight, the expression of such emotion
Grief- a cause of such suffering, an unfortunate outcome
Most people would view the two words as opposites, they don't go together. But what happens when the two converge or overlap? Can you experience joy amidst such deep sorrow? I say yes, I've seen it and am experiencing it now.
I remember when I was younger we were taught about synonyms, words that have the same meaning. In my childlike mind joy and happy were synonyms. It wasn't until years later when I was a teenager that I learned the biblical difference between having joy and being happy. My joy comes from the Lord. There are times in my life when I am not happy but it doesn't mean my joy is robbed from me.
So along those thoughts, it is possible to find joy amidst situations where suffering is occurring. I've spent the last seven days in a situation of suffering and I'm not happy. I don't particularly care to go into great detail for several reasons but do want to share my thoughts and heart, as well as request prayer from who ever actually reads my little online journal! : )
Almost one week ago, we received a call from our adoption agency. When I saw the number pop up I knew it wasn't going to be good because at this point our dossier was supposed to be submitted. I stepped out of a meeting at work to take the call and discovered I was correct. Like my high school newspaper teacher once said, "No news is good news!" It was very applicable in this situation. We were blissfully in the waiting stage where you don't get any news because there is nothing to tell. We had an issue with a form and the issue wasn't a small issue, it could end our adoption process.
We are heart broken. We are trying to use godly wisdom to follow what the Lord wants us to do. Yes, we are aware that this could be God saying no but it isn't really something we need to hear from those who love and care for us. You wouldn't say that to someone who just lost a child. This child is our child in our hearts from this day forth no matter what occurs after this moment in time.
I have felt like a zombie going through the last few days. I've been on autopilot as we have evaluated our options and made some appointments. God is bigger than all of this. His plan is perfect. He loves us and loves this child. These are all truths we know. We want to glorify God in this process and in our actions.
This week has been painful. There have been moments of fear and doubt and questioning and even some anger. But there have also been quiet moments of joy. The joy of watching Adria sing at choir practice. The joy of hearing Eliza say mama sad, I kiss mama. The joy of being with my sisters-in-Christ and being loved by them during this hard week. The joy of being with my church family to worship together. The joy of another woman who has walked this difficult road of adoption sharing her story and heart and encouraging me through that. If I choose to respond in a godly manner in a difficult situation, there is so much joy in my life. I hope and pray that my reaction to this situation will be one of joy and shining God's light for others to witness. Without the suffering I wouldn't have a way to show God's glory in this situation.
Pray that the appointment we have tomorrow would provide a way for this issue to be fixed. Pray for us to have wisdom and discernment. Pray for our daughter across an ocean. Pray for comfort. Pray that we would be satisified and willing to peacefully experience the unknown and still choose to rely on God fully and faithfully. Pray that no matter the outcome we would feel peace that surpasses all understanding.
Grief- a cause of such suffering, an unfortunate outcome
Most people would view the two words as opposites, they don't go together. But what happens when the two converge or overlap? Can you experience joy amidst such deep sorrow? I say yes, I've seen it and am experiencing it now.
I remember when I was younger we were taught about synonyms, words that have the same meaning. In my childlike mind joy and happy were synonyms. It wasn't until years later when I was a teenager that I learned the biblical difference between having joy and being happy. My joy comes from the Lord. There are times in my life when I am not happy but it doesn't mean my joy is robbed from me.
So along those thoughts, it is possible to find joy amidst situations where suffering is occurring. I've spent the last seven days in a situation of suffering and I'm not happy. I don't particularly care to go into great detail for several reasons but do want to share my thoughts and heart, as well as request prayer from who ever actually reads my little online journal! : )
Almost one week ago, we received a call from our adoption agency. When I saw the number pop up I knew it wasn't going to be good because at this point our dossier was supposed to be submitted. I stepped out of a meeting at work to take the call and discovered I was correct. Like my high school newspaper teacher once said, "No news is good news!" It was very applicable in this situation. We were blissfully in the waiting stage where you don't get any news because there is nothing to tell. We had an issue with a form and the issue wasn't a small issue, it could end our adoption process.
We are heart broken. We are trying to use godly wisdom to follow what the Lord wants us to do. Yes, we are aware that this could be God saying no but it isn't really something we need to hear from those who love and care for us. You wouldn't say that to someone who just lost a child. This child is our child in our hearts from this day forth no matter what occurs after this moment in time.
I have felt like a zombie going through the last few days. I've been on autopilot as we have evaluated our options and made some appointments. God is bigger than all of this. His plan is perfect. He loves us and loves this child. These are all truths we know. We want to glorify God in this process and in our actions.
This week has been painful. There have been moments of fear and doubt and questioning and even some anger. But there have also been quiet moments of joy. The joy of watching Adria sing at choir practice. The joy of hearing Eliza say mama sad, I kiss mama. The joy of being with my sisters-in-Christ and being loved by them during this hard week. The joy of being with my church family to worship together. The joy of another woman who has walked this difficult road of adoption sharing her story and heart and encouraging me through that. If I choose to respond in a godly manner in a difficult situation, there is so much joy in my life. I hope and pray that my reaction to this situation will be one of joy and shining God's light for others to witness. Without the suffering I wouldn't have a way to show God's glory in this situation.
Pray that the appointment we have tomorrow would provide a way for this issue to be fixed. Pray for us to have wisdom and discernment. Pray for our daughter across an ocean. Pray for comfort. Pray that we would be satisified and willing to peacefully experience the unknown and still choose to rely on God fully and faithfully. Pray that no matter the outcome we would feel peace that surpasses all understanding.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Staring at a Computer Screen
It is Sunday night and I am sitting on the couch. The dishwasher is running and baskets of freshly laundered and folded laundry is surrounding me. I have an IEP pulled up on a different tab and I really should be working on it, but instead I have sat here staring at the computer screen deciding what I should write. I could write about the pink tote which holds items we are collecting for gifts when we travel and items needed at the orphanage. I could write about where we are at in the process of adopting (we are waiting for the last three documents for our dossier-USCIS approval, medical forms, and FBI clearances). But, really, what I have felt I need to write about since Friday night is an experience that really shows how God is using adoption to grow me spiritually.
So let's rewind and get into the correct setting for this story. We have to go back to Thursday in order to see where I went terribly wrong. Thursday after school my coworkers came in and declared the bad news. I was going to have to take a group of students downtown on Friday per our department chair's request for a new work experience. I'm pretty quiet and don't often like to share my weaknesses but lean in close and I'll let you in on a MAJOR weakness of mine. Are you close? Okay, I HATE DRIVING DOWNTOWN! The one way streets confuse me and I loathe finding parking. I'm not really sure why it bothers me as much as it does, but my poor husband has had more than one phone call in the past ten years of marriage of me being misplaced downtown and panicked. Being told I was going to have to drive the mini-bus downtown sent me into a tailspin. So in hindsight this is where things really fell apart. My flesh is fearful of driving downtown. I gave into the flesh easily in this situation. I also found our I had to have more blood work done in order for our doctor to finish filling out a medical form for our dossier.
I left work in a grumpy mood. Josh was working so I was in single parent mode with getting the kids picked up, fed, and on our way to Grace Group. I was glad we were going to Grace Group because I needed the time around other believers and the encouragement it brings. It was a pleasant evening and my heart was open to what was being said. We talked about how God leads and protects us as we depend on Him in prayer and how God providentially protects us according to His plan. I made a specific comment about how peaceful the process has been with our adoption so far because I know it is in God's hands. Even when the bumps happen there is the knowledge that God has it and everything is moving in His plan and timing.
By Friday morning the inside of my cheek wasn't happy because when I get stressed I bite the inside of my cheek (yes, I know it is a horrible habit). I wasn't happy about driving downtown and especially in the bus. I woke up early enough to go wait at the blood work place so I'd be first in line and could get it done before being at work. It was a series of unfortunate events at school from the get go. Then, the clock crept closer to the time I had to leave for this work experience trip. Everything that could go wrong did. Through this whole process I was angry and fearful. I'm not proud of my reaction. I refused to allow God to lead me. I refused to pray about it. Like I said, I easily gave into the desires of the flesh in this situation. During all of this I received a phone call from our hosting organization saying they needed a decision by the end of the day about hosting V over the holidays. Everything seemed to hit me all at once with the adoption. We are so close to sending our dossier, which marks the beginning of a lot of money being due. Again, I was holding everything and thinking about how I was going to get all this money paid in the short amount of time it will all be due in. My poor heart was in overdrive all day because of my choices to try to control everything. I was only concerned about how it was MY responsibility to make all of this happen. I wasn't letting God have an inch of any of it, it was all ME, ME, ME!
After work I was sitting with my friend in my classroom and I said, "Today sucked!". I felt like everything with the adoption hit at once, hosting has to be decided, and then the bus/downtown mess happened! My friend looked at me and said, "I've been impressed that really up until today you haven't seemed stressed about all the adoption stuff at all; and I thought it would be a more difficult year for you because of it." That's when it all kind of hit me! Why was that statement so true? Simple answer, up until Friday I had been praying fervently and allowing God to write this story. It was His and I was following where He lead. And then I was like a deer in headlights on Friday and wanted to control it all. How on earth did I think I had any control in any of it? I don't and didn't. This process has been beautiful because it has been God oriented from the get go. It got ugly when I tried to take control. It got stressful and physically painful when I stepped in front of God and said, "I got this God, I don't need you to handle it." While I didn't necessarily think that verbatim, my choice to allow the flesh to lead was definitely saying that.
I chewed over it some more as I packed up my stuff to head home. What a poor testimony I had on Friday. Saturday morning dawned and I am so thankful His mercies are new every morning. Yes, Thursday and Friday were not my shining moments but I have a Father who loves me and forgives me when I royally screw things up. The weight of everything was gone Saturday morning. I was able to relax and trust in God's plan. We decided to move forward in faith to bring V home over Christmas. I felt such peace about our decision. The funds that will be due in the coming weeks for our adoption no longer felt overwhelming or impossible. And I was able to make a joke about driving downtown and even bumping into the ticket machine.
I had to run to the store for a few items and called my mom on the way home as she has been out of town and I wanted to say hello! As I pulled into the driveway I made a comment about Friday and then the whole story was unloaded and I was crying. What an amazing God we serve. He is so powerful that my mind can not even comprehend it. He is so forgiving and merciful. I get to call Him Father and I am one of His children. God is stretching me through this process. He is refining me through the fire that is our adoption journey. He is showing me step by step His faithfulness. He is showing my where my weaknesses are and how I need to depend on Him more and more. I am so thankful for this path God has asked us to walk upon. I hope and pray that the next time a situation like Friday happens I will respond the correct way and not allow the flesh to rule my life. Thank you Jesus for loving me enough to stretch me and refine me so that I can worship and bow down to You. I stand in awe of Your glory! Amen!
So let's rewind and get into the correct setting for this story. We have to go back to Thursday in order to see where I went terribly wrong. Thursday after school my coworkers came in and declared the bad news. I was going to have to take a group of students downtown on Friday per our department chair's request for a new work experience. I'm pretty quiet and don't often like to share my weaknesses but lean in close and I'll let you in on a MAJOR weakness of mine. Are you close? Okay, I HATE DRIVING DOWNTOWN! The one way streets confuse me and I loathe finding parking. I'm not really sure why it bothers me as much as it does, but my poor husband has had more than one phone call in the past ten years of marriage of me being misplaced downtown and panicked. Being told I was going to have to drive the mini-bus downtown sent me into a tailspin. So in hindsight this is where things really fell apart. My flesh is fearful of driving downtown. I gave into the flesh easily in this situation. I also found our I had to have more blood work done in order for our doctor to finish filling out a medical form for our dossier.
I left work in a grumpy mood. Josh was working so I was in single parent mode with getting the kids picked up, fed, and on our way to Grace Group. I was glad we were going to Grace Group because I needed the time around other believers and the encouragement it brings. It was a pleasant evening and my heart was open to what was being said. We talked about how God leads and protects us as we depend on Him in prayer and how God providentially protects us according to His plan. I made a specific comment about how peaceful the process has been with our adoption so far because I know it is in God's hands. Even when the bumps happen there is the knowledge that God has it and everything is moving in His plan and timing.
By Friday morning the inside of my cheek wasn't happy because when I get stressed I bite the inside of my cheek (yes, I know it is a horrible habit). I wasn't happy about driving downtown and especially in the bus. I woke up early enough to go wait at the blood work place so I'd be first in line and could get it done before being at work. It was a series of unfortunate events at school from the get go. Then, the clock crept closer to the time I had to leave for this work experience trip. Everything that could go wrong did. Through this whole process I was angry and fearful. I'm not proud of my reaction. I refused to allow God to lead me. I refused to pray about it. Like I said, I easily gave into the desires of the flesh in this situation. During all of this I received a phone call from our hosting organization saying they needed a decision by the end of the day about hosting V over the holidays. Everything seemed to hit me all at once with the adoption. We are so close to sending our dossier, which marks the beginning of a lot of money being due. Again, I was holding everything and thinking about how I was going to get all this money paid in the short amount of time it will all be due in. My poor heart was in overdrive all day because of my choices to try to control everything. I was only concerned about how it was MY responsibility to make all of this happen. I wasn't letting God have an inch of any of it, it was all ME, ME, ME!
After work I was sitting with my friend in my classroom and I said, "Today sucked!". I felt like everything with the adoption hit at once, hosting has to be decided, and then the bus/downtown mess happened! My friend looked at me and said, "I've been impressed that really up until today you haven't seemed stressed about all the adoption stuff at all; and I thought it would be a more difficult year for you because of it." That's when it all kind of hit me! Why was that statement so true? Simple answer, up until Friday I had been praying fervently and allowing God to write this story. It was His and I was following where He lead. And then I was like a deer in headlights on Friday and wanted to control it all. How on earth did I think I had any control in any of it? I don't and didn't. This process has been beautiful because it has been God oriented from the get go. It got ugly when I tried to take control. It got stressful and physically painful when I stepped in front of God and said, "I got this God, I don't need you to handle it." While I didn't necessarily think that verbatim, my choice to allow the flesh to lead was definitely saying that.
I chewed over it some more as I packed up my stuff to head home. What a poor testimony I had on Friday. Saturday morning dawned and I am so thankful His mercies are new every morning. Yes, Thursday and Friday were not my shining moments but I have a Father who loves me and forgives me when I royally screw things up. The weight of everything was gone Saturday morning. I was able to relax and trust in God's plan. We decided to move forward in faith to bring V home over Christmas. I felt such peace about our decision. The funds that will be due in the coming weeks for our adoption no longer felt overwhelming or impossible. And I was able to make a joke about driving downtown and even bumping into the ticket machine.
I had to run to the store for a few items and called my mom on the way home as she has been out of town and I wanted to say hello! As I pulled into the driveway I made a comment about Friday and then the whole story was unloaded and I was crying. What an amazing God we serve. He is so powerful that my mind can not even comprehend it. He is so forgiving and merciful. I get to call Him Father and I am one of His children. God is stretching me through this process. He is refining me through the fire that is our adoption journey. He is showing me step by step His faithfulness. He is showing my where my weaknesses are and how I need to depend on Him more and more. I am so thankful for this path God has asked us to walk upon. I hope and pray that the next time a situation like Friday happens I will respond the correct way and not allow the flesh to rule my life. Thank you Jesus for loving me enough to stretch me and refine me so that I can worship and bow down to You. I stand in awe of Your glory! Amen!
Thursday, October 20, 2016
The Story of Us
There is a song by Francesca Battestelli called Write Your Story. It has been out for awhile but it has struck a chord within me whenever I have heard it the last month or so. The song talks about how powerful God is and that we should desire to be an open page so God can write our story and lead our lives on a path that He desires.
When I share about adopting with friends, family, and yes, strangers (so sue me, I'm a bit excited and can manage to bring adoption into any conversation), I often get many different reactions. It can range from complete understanding to complete shock in kind of a negative way. This past weekend I actually made a girl speechless after revealing we have three children and are adopting another who happens to be 15. I kind of giggle on the inside when someone's eyes get a bit bigger at my revelations. Then, there are the comments that are often made. "What a lucky girl!" or "You are such an amazing person to do this!" In those moments I struggle. I actually don't really know what to say to people when they tell me those things.
Adoption is a heart breaking situation. Adoption comes from loss and hurt. Have you ever told someone they are lucky when they have been through a horrible situation, a painful experience, or abuse? I'm sure you are sputtering out a "Of course not!" reply right now. If I have the chance to educate anyone on anything regarding adoption, it would be this point. It breaks my heart that we have the option to adopt our daughter. It does so because it means her family was torn apart for whatever reason and she has grown up without family and parents. The fact that we are doing this doesn't mean we are good people. She isn't lucky to have us. And on the flip side, there are adopting parents who have experienced loss too. They have tried to carry babies to term and not been able to, some never being able to conceive to begin with.
Despite the pain and loss, God writes our stories. And so there is beauty that comes from the pain and loss. God doesn't make bad things or bad situations. In the song I mentioned, part of the lyrics say "My life. I know it's never really been mine. So do with it whatever You like. I don't know what Your plan is. But I know it's good, yeah.". I pray fervently that our daughter will know that her life was written by the Creator. I have tried, as well as Josh, to keep our pages blank so God could be our author. He wrote V onto our pages last winter when we choose her to host this past summer. We have continued to choose to keep our pages open and blank so God can continue to fill the pages with this beautiful story. We aren't good people, but we are blessed by God's story that He has written on our pages. This is our story and I can't wait for God to reveal the next page of His masterpiece.
When I share about adopting with friends, family, and yes, strangers (so sue me, I'm a bit excited and can manage to bring adoption into any conversation), I often get many different reactions. It can range from complete understanding to complete shock in kind of a negative way. This past weekend I actually made a girl speechless after revealing we have three children and are adopting another who happens to be 15. I kind of giggle on the inside when someone's eyes get a bit bigger at my revelations. Then, there are the comments that are often made. "What a lucky girl!" or "You are such an amazing person to do this!" In those moments I struggle. I actually don't really know what to say to people when they tell me those things.
Adoption is a heart breaking situation. Adoption comes from loss and hurt. Have you ever told someone they are lucky when they have been through a horrible situation, a painful experience, or abuse? I'm sure you are sputtering out a "Of course not!" reply right now. If I have the chance to educate anyone on anything regarding adoption, it would be this point. It breaks my heart that we have the option to adopt our daughter. It does so because it means her family was torn apart for whatever reason and she has grown up without family and parents. The fact that we are doing this doesn't mean we are good people. She isn't lucky to have us. And on the flip side, there are adopting parents who have experienced loss too. They have tried to carry babies to term and not been able to, some never being able to conceive to begin with.
Despite the pain and loss, God writes our stories. And so there is beauty that comes from the pain and loss. God doesn't make bad things or bad situations. In the song I mentioned, part of the lyrics say "My life. I know it's never really been mine. So do with it whatever You like. I don't know what Your plan is. But I know it's good, yeah.". I pray fervently that our daughter will know that her life was written by the Creator. I have tried, as well as Josh, to keep our pages blank so God could be our author. He wrote V onto our pages last winter when we choose her to host this past summer. We have continued to choose to keep our pages open and blank so God can continue to fill the pages with this beautiful story. We aren't good people, but we are blessed by God's story that He has written on our pages. This is our story and I can't wait for God to reveal the next page of His masterpiece.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Short and Sweet
The older I get the more "terrible" things I see. I put terrible in quotation marks because outwardly to the world those things (cancer, job loss, death, premature birth, etc.) are terrible. I'm not down playing them at all. But God uses those TERRIBLE situations to bring glory to His name.
In the past year the school I work at has lost four people to cancer and unexpected death. My big sister's friend, and I'd like to think she was like another sister to me for a time period, passed away from cancer. A friend at church, her little first grade boy was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer has stole some of our dear church family in years past too. This week another family we know lost their unborn baby, who was a son, grandson, and nephew. The list could go on and on. Sometime this year we will find out the TERRIBLE things our daughter has lived through that brought her to the point of being able to be adopted.
And in the spirit of the title, I will end here, God will be used in all these situations. Yes, all the terrible things aren't what we would choose for our friends, family, sons and daughters. But...
Psalm 8:1
"O lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens."
Psalms 3:3
"But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."
Psalm 24:10
"Who is this King of glory? The Lord of hosts, he is the King of glory! Selah"
Ephesians 1: 11-14
In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.
I can't wait to see how God will be praised and adored through our adoption and all the "terrible" that may come with it.
In the past year the school I work at has lost four people to cancer and unexpected death. My big sister's friend, and I'd like to think she was like another sister to me for a time period, passed away from cancer. A friend at church, her little first grade boy was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer has stole some of our dear church family in years past too. This week another family we know lost their unborn baby, who was a son, grandson, and nephew. The list could go on and on. Sometime this year we will find out the TERRIBLE things our daughter has lived through that brought her to the point of being able to be adopted.
And in the spirit of the title, I will end here, God will be used in all these situations. Yes, all the terrible things aren't what we would choose for our friends, family, sons and daughters. But...
Psalm 8:1
"O lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens."
Psalms 3:3
"But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."
Psalm 24:10
"Who is this King of glory? The Lord of hosts, he is the King of glory! Selah"
Ephesians 1: 11-14
In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.
I can't wait to see how God will be praised and adored through our adoption and all the "terrible" that may come with it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)