When You Have Too Much to Say, Say Nothing At All

I know it isn't really the saying, but from month 4 home to now I've had too much to say so I chose to stay silent.  I know certain truths, and yet knowing something and walking through it are two very different things.  I know truths of God's promises.  I know facts and information and yet applying that information to my life makes it real and in my face. I know that just because God asks me to do something and I faithfully follow His will doesn't mean it will be rainbows and sunshine and birds singing while I am doing it, but yet a part of me wanted to believe that is exactly what would happen.  I wanted to believe that we would be that small percentage of adoptive families that would have the Leave It to Beaver family after the adoption was all done and over with.  Like I said, I knew that wasn't really going to be the case but a eeny, teeny part of me hoped it would be.  Well, it wasn't.  Walking through a fire to find a tornado on the other side to only have an earthquake occur followed by a hurricane isn't really something someone says "Pick me!!!!" for.  But we did.

When we started orphan hosting we said to God to use us however He wanted to in this arena.  We felt that nudge and followed God's will to adopt and again we said, "PICK ME" in not so many words. The last several months I've repeatedly said, "WHY ME God?!? Don't pick me!! Please!".  Our household has seen so much the last few months, things I knew were a possibility but had hoped wouldn't happen to us.  I've never seen myself in such an ugly state of being.  I knew the truth of being a sinner but wowee am I really good at sinning. It scared me sometimes because I never knew how dark and twisty my sin could really be and how deep the Father's love and forgiveness could reach.

We've been through the fire and tornado and earthquake and I'd like to say that we are seeing the rays of sun coming through the last bit of the hurricane but then I'd be right back where I started a few months ago.  Trauma is real and so is secondary trauma (when the person who was traumatized brings the result of that trauma into someone else's life that causes trauma for them).  I've never understood the fall of man better than I have in the past few months.  Jesus' work on the cross has never had more meaning to me than it has the past few months either.  Knowing those two truths alone has made this walk bearable and fruit bearing.  I pray fervently for all four of our children.  I cry out continually to God that this wouldn't tear the girls and Josh and I apart but rather take each rip and sew it into something even stronger and better.  Being refined by a fire hurts.  I've never experienced such deep and thorough hurting in my life.  There were days this past winter that I felt like Job.  How much more would be stripped away from me? I couldn't bear to share my heart and update everyone on how things were going when it was awful.  I struggled with finding anything positive to say past, "We are alive.  I got dressed today and made it out of the house to pretend like my life isn't falling apart around me and burning to ashes."  There have been so many times when someone asked how things were going and I yearned to look at them and say, "wonderful!".  Instead I'd scream inside how awful things were then politely say, "Fine." and quickly make my exit.

Amidst the anguish and the falling on my knees in prayer were my brothers and sisters in Christ.  It has been moving to watch our church family shelter us during this storm.  They have rose to the occasion so many times.  They have opened their homes, they have opened their arms for me to fall into and have offered many a tissue to wipe my tears with.  They have showered us in prayers.  Our ladies retreat back in April was about prayer.  I walked away with the point of being so specific in my prayers so that I can truly see how/when God answers that prayer.  Within our small group at church we have had specific prayers being petitioned on our behalf and have seen God answering those prayers.

While my family comes with a warning label these days, I wouldn't trade it in, although I have thought about it so many times.  I am praising God for the small group He placed us in.  I am praising God for our church family.  I am praising God for the unexpected friendships and relationships that have been fostered through this season of life.  I am praising God for my parents and siblings who have opened their home when we needed a safe place to stay the night.  I am praising God for a specific person at school that created one more safe haven to help our family during this time. I am praising God that He has moved people to be forgiving of all my inadequacies during this time. I am praising God that He has given me the gift of salvation when I soooo didn't deserve it.  I am so thankful for what Jesus went through on the cross for me.  I am praying that this summer would be more positive bonding than negative situations continuing to arise.  I am praying specifically for peace and that we would be able to maintain stability for all four girls.  I am praying that Josh and I will have some opportunities this summer to get away for whatever length of time to reconnect and strengthen our marriage.  I am praying that God becomes an integral part of each of our girls' lives and they would come to know Him as their Savior.  I am praying that the weather will be mostly good so we are not as homebound as we are during the winter months.  I am praying for continued healing and trust and connection for Vita.

I truly do not know what the future holds and where our family will end up and how our adoption story will continue to play out but for now I am steadfastly allowing God to hold me through this storm. While it hurts so much that I can't seem to bear the pain some days, I have continued to feel utter peace deep inside me.  When I thought I should long ago have been committed to the looney bin, peace rained down. 

So that is your 10 month, almost to the day, update.  The last six months were silent because I had too much to say, so I said nothing at all.