Perhaps This Will Finally Be the One That Is Posted

A few post titles later and numerous attempts later, I think I am finally ready to do this post.

I can't tell you how many times I have sat down and attempted to type my thoughts and feelings about the end of our hosting experience.  There are days when I write it in my head and then push delete, delete, delete and start again in a different way. I guess it has helped me to sort through my thoughts and emotions and has helped through what I have coined my personal grieving.  Grief sounds like such a heavy word and maybe an inappropriate word for what I have been feeling but according to good ole Webster it fits.

Grief is defined as

: deep sadness caused especially by someone's death
: a cause of deep sadness

: trouble or annoyance

Well, thankfully no one died.  But there has been deep sadness and a feeling of trouble and annoyance that we had to send our host daughter back to her country.  The days following L's departure there was a lot of spontaneous crying that occurred, ex. coworker asking how I was--->crying, walking past her bedroom --->crying, setting the dinner table with one less plate----> crying.  I think you get the picture.  

I think the first week there was a numbness to everything.  And then slowly over the past almost four weeks I have been processing our summer with L.  Life was different and it took some adjusting to create a new normal in our family post-hosting.  The kids of course seemed to bounce right back and I guess it is good they have that sweet innocence about them.  Never has the phrase "ignorance is bliss" been more true.  They don't understand what we, as adults, understand about this situation.  I think that is part of the grief I have felt.  Yes, I miss her terribly.  Yes, I love her dearly.  Yes, I want her to be in our family forever.  Yes, it is terrifying to know what we are sending her back to and the life she will have.  It is so scary to know that 70% of orphan girls end up in prostitution.  It is terrifying to realize that the life expectancy of an orphan in that country is in the range of 30-40 years old which means these teens are in the middle of their lives, they are essentially middle aged! I wish I didn't know all those things because it would make it easier for me to deal with sending her back.  But I do know those things.  And an easy road isn't always the right road to travel on.

When I was pregnant with Eliza we knew she was the last baby with about 99.9% certainty.  Then, when she was born we knew with 100% certainty that she was the last baby.  Josh and I were at peace with three children.  I could envision Christmases and other celebrations with the five of us and it felt complete.  God changes our perfect visions in an instant or in this case over a summer.  I close my eyes now and feel a hole in our family.  Josh and I both feel this now.  I have no idea where God will lead us but our hearts are very open to adoption in a more real way now.  We have always been open to adoption and foster care but in a general sense and in a future tense, like way far in the future.  But now there is a sense of closer than further away to those desires.  I also had a vision that if we were ever to adopt it would be a small child, or at least younger than our bio kids.  Again, that changed too.  We want to have a pre-teen/teen as a part of our family.  L opened our heart to this.  I never thought I could bond and love a child who I didn't have a part in raising from small up but I can and did. 

I grew this summer in my walk with God.  I learned to depend on Him in more ways than I have in the past.  I learned more about my plans vs. His plans and to let go of what I want and focus on the plans He has made for me.  For a sinful control freak, it is a hard lesson to learn and I, of course, fail on a regular basis.  But I felt so much peace when I let God take the lead throughout this hosting experience.  

Hosting also brought about a chance to develop a relationship with some new people.  I am not the best at doing this.  I am awful with small talk and find it very hard to do.  I struggle with this especially at church on Sunday mornings.  I find the whole social encounters awkward and painful. I can never think of anything to say but hosting gave me a chance to talk to people about what we were doing and from there I was able to get to know a few people better.  

Hosting also taught me the art of accepting gifts without feeling the need to repay it back to the gift giver.  I am always happy to help and love to give to others but I learned I am kind of awful at accepting gifts from others.  With hosting, we had to accept gifts financially in order to bring L here.  We also had gifts of hand me down clothes given.  We had the gift of time and service given to us in the form of helping prepare her bedroom.  Even the gift of people spending time with L and inviting us to be a part of activities.  I was and am extremely thankful for each of these various gifts and I found it hard to just say thank you and let it be adequate.  I immediately wanted to go clean their houses or give them a gift or bake cookies as a thank you.  I learned it is okay to be thankful and just happily accept the gifts and services given to us.  But it was hard to not feel in debt to all those who helped us.  This was just one more way God gave me a way to grow.  

So where are we now in this experience?  We are keeping in touch with L through Facebook.  We are hopeful that we will be able to host her again next summer if everything works out, such as, her trade school allowing her to participate in the hosting program, her grades being good, her willingness to miss some school, etc. etc. etc.  We don't have much control over being able to host her again except being willing to do so and being prepared financially to do so.  I know that regardless of if we are able to host her again that she will always be a part of our family and a part of my heart is with her always.  We pray for her and pray that she will come to know Christ as her savior.  For those of you who don't know, it isn't possible to have her as a permanent part of our family physically because she is already 16 years old and the US does not allow international adoptions to occur after the child is 16.  But we are happy to host her and build a closer relationship with her and like I said even though she isn't here physically there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her as part of this family.  Families come in all different sizes, shapes, colors, and make-ups.  Ours just happens to be a family where we parent the best we can across a very large pond for one of our children! 

For more information about participating in this program go to www.nhfc.org  It is a wonderful experience and it gives hope and love to a child who otherwise might not be given hope and experience the love of a family and most importantly be ministered to about our loving God and His wonderful gift of salvation.  A gift that was of a great sacrifice when He sent His son to die on a cross in place of a world full of sinners to make a way for us to live eternally with Him in heaven when we accept that gift of salvation.