Tonight I had one of those moments where I had a flash, a glimmer that came through the thick fog only to be squashed. I feel old. I'm 26, you're not supposed to feel this old at 26. I'm supposed to be youthful but I feel old. I trudge through the days that seem to mirror the one before and feel old. Work seems like a revolving door, the names are different but they all seem to look the same. Come home and the routine doesn't change. As much as I adore and long for familiarity and routine, I also despise it. It is the broken record. There are moments or glimmers where I break the routine and feel alive, young, not old. Mostly they're glimmers, small moments. They are the scratch on my broken record. I try to savor these moments. Tonight for a moment I felt young, then in just a few sentences it was knocked out of me. I felt young, now I feel old again.
It is said we are supposed to learn from those who have gone before us. History teaches lessons. I sometimes disagree that those before us can teach us far more than those behind us. My daughter is 15 months old and has taught me determination and perseverance. Hows 'bout them apples?!?!
Over the past month I have watched her learn how to walk. In watching this whole process I was reminded of youthful determination and perseverance that I believe is sometimes squashed in adults. I am amazed at no matter how many times she lands on her booty she gets right back up again and pushes on. My butt would hurt if I fell that many times. I also would give up after the fifth time of falling on my butt. It doesn't seem to phase her one bit that she has to stop, pick herself up and try again.
I feel down trodden at times. Been there, done that and I'm tired of trying again. She's been there, done that and still chooses to do it again. I miss that determination about myself. I've decided that those before and behind can make a powerful lesson combined. Yes, history has told me to keep trying but it is much more inspiring to watch it unfold in front of your eyes.
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