This week wee one was sick. DROVE ME NUTS! I mean the poor little thing had a snotty nose, that was wiped all over me, and running a fever! Anyhow Josh was off on Monday so I got to take Tuesday off to be with her. It actually turned out to be not too bad of a day considering it was spent with a grouchy, irritable 14 month old. At one point we were playing quietly on the floor and I look over at the door where the dog was begging to get in and I see a hairy, beady eyed spider the size of a half dollar (I know half dollars are basically extinct but THINK really hard about the size I'm talking about here). The sucker was HUGE. Growing up I was terrified of spiders like really TERRIFIED! My brother used spiders as a way to torture me. It didn't matter if it was the size of a dinner plate or the size of a pin. Add snakes to the list of things that make me pee in fright!!! In college though I conquered the snake fear, kind of. I held a boa constrictor so I think that counts for some sort of conquering. I was pretty sure, until Tuesday, that I had also conquered my fear of spiders. Since getting married I have successfully killed many spiders! But then Tuesday happened and I have now regressed back to age 4 with my fear of spiders. I honestly didn't even TRY to stay calm when I saw the spider. I screamed at the top of my lungs. The stupid thing ran for the blanket that was on the floor and I shuddered and screamed again then realized I am home alone with no one else to kill this HUGE spider for me. So I screamed again. Poor wee one was slightly taken aback by her crazy mama's screams of agony and fear. I realize then I need something to kill this with. A kleenex is NOT an acceptable spider killing device because I might feel the guts squish or the legs move when I go to kill it. Now at times half a box of kleenexes would be acceptable but we're talking for a very small spider not something the size of a dinner plate!!!!!!!!!!!! I panic I don't want to lose eye contact with the sucker for fear of it running and hiding and then we would have had to leave the house until Josh came home and did a thorough search for it. I did a quick scan of the room, NO SHOES (which is the best spider killing tool)! My eyes landed on the dirty diaper I had changed awhile ago. It is thick with urine and bundled up ready to be thrown away. We're talking several layers here people and I think it might be an acceptable spider killing tool. I grabbed it and ran blindly towards the spider whooping and hollering at the tops of my lungs. Then I pounce on it and squish and lift and AHHHHHHH it is still moving so I pounce again and squish and twist and lift and the thing is still moving (maybe death convulsions but I'm not sure) so I pounce again screaming still and squish, twist, grind, LIFT and phew it is dead, its guts spilled all over my daughter's dirty diaper!!!!!! I quickly dispose of the diaper with spider guts and body on it, just in case it comes back to life. Then I grabbed a wet one and wiped off the spider guts off the carpet and realize I'm shaking. I grab the phone, breathing laboriously, and call my MOMMY! We have a good chuckle and I say I can't wait for Josh to come home so I can reenact the whole blood spilling event!
FAST FORWARD a few hours and my loving husband arrives home. We chat for a moment and then I remember to tell him about the spider. I excitedly begin telling him about it and I am looking at him and I say "Then I looked over at the door..." And I point over to where it had been and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH it's BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No joke another look alike spider was in the EXACT same location. I begin screaming and I grab my child and jump onto the rocking chair yelling GET IT!!!!!!!!!! My knight in shining armor lumbers through the kitchen and goes WHERE? I was like seriously, RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!! IT's HUGE! GET IT!!!!!!!!!! It takes him a moment to find it and by then it has charged off and under the couch! At this point I was ready to call a realtor and get ready to move! Josh throws the couch back and he can't find it anywhere. I'm panicking at this point. I can't stay here tonight knowing that the HUGE brother spider of the spider I killed earlier is lurking in my home ready to pounce and seek revenge on me, the spider slayer. Then we realize WOW do we housekeep much?? (Insert a hyper head bob to the left and right) We decide to vacuum under the couch while spider hunting. By this point I have begun to calm down and think a move may not be in the near future for us. THEN I SEE IT TAKE OFF ACROSS THE FAMILY ROOM!! AHHHHHHHHH! I could be a professional screamer for the movies. Finally, Josh leaps and squish it was dead in one large boot (he still had his work boots on) stomp! Later, I told Josh it was the scariest reenactment of my life (and believe me my sisters, mom, and I love to reenact most anything stupid we do so it is done rather often in our family).
I guess I haven't conquered my fear of spiders, maybe another day though!
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